Not me Monday!

I did not lose my sacred $20 gift card to Starbucks. Nope, not me.

I did not drop an entire box of plastic spoons on the floor at work today. Nope, not me.

I did not drink a Venti peppermint mocha for dinner tonight. Nope, not me.

I did not wince when my boss said, "Wow, you're looking pale today. Are you okay?" Nope, not me.

I most definitely did not go 75% of my day today wearing no undies because I crapped myself at work due to an aweful stomach bug.

Nope, definitely not me!

Our first house :)

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine my fiance and I would be so blessed!

Last week his aunt (the one who lost her husband last month) offered us a cabin a few minutes from her house after we get married. The best part is, the only rent we have to pay is whatever the price is for taxes and insurance on the house. She knows how hard we are saving now for a home becuase we want to build, and she wants to help us out.

We are both so THRILLED! And the house is absolutely charming. It's a 2 bedroom cabin in the woods; our own little honeymoon sweet, as my fiance likes to call it.

We are supposed to start paying just the electric bill for the house in the spring to reserve it, and that's when we will get the keys so we can start putting in furniature and painting and everything. It's so awesome that our house will be fully furnished and functional before we get married.

God's seriously blessed us. It's so awesome to see how things work out when you're walking to His will.

Merry Christmas, bloggy friends! Enjoy your friends and family!

Why my mom is the best mom in the world

This year, my mom decided that rather than me spending money on a gift, she wanted me to do something with it for someone else. I thought long and hard about it, and I came up with Guideposts.

My grandmother started sending Guideposts to my mom a few years ago, and since I started college, my mom sends them to me after she finished reading them each month. After I am done reading them, I send them to my fiance's mom, and she passes them to someone else after she is done. It's amazing how one little magazine touches so many hands and lives as well. I love the stories in Guideposts. When I am bummed or stressed about school, I pick up the magazine and read a story. I know how they encourage me, so I decided to sent 2 subscriptions to people I think could use some encouragement.

The first one I sent to my cousin who just found out she is expecting. I know it's a difficult time for her dealing with the judgement that's being passed on her from others. The second I sent to my fiance's aunt whose husband committed suicide. She is dealing with a lot of anger right now, and I think the stories in the magazine could be a bright side in her life.

I wrote my mom a letter and am giving it to her tomorrow morning. I am excited. I thought it was amazingly kind of my mom to give up her gifts to help others. She inspires and humbles me. She has a beautiful heart, and I hope I can be like her one day.

Christmas cookies = YUM!

Merry Christmas, from my kitchen to yours!

Advice of the day

Look before you eat.

Or you just might end up eating dog food.

This morning I got up and went to get some cereal for breakfast, but all we had was Lucky Charms and I didn't want to eat sugary cereal. I decided I would eat a handfull of nuts for breakfast, and I picked up what I thought was a snack baggy of nuts. I hadn't put on my glasses yet and I had just woken up, so I was kind of out of it. Little did I know the bag was full of dog food, and I discovered this as it was 3 centimeters from my mouth.

Yes, my mom had packed a little baggy of dog food for my brother's pup. I have no idea why.

I told her this story tonight and she laughed her rear off.

Moral of the story: look before you eat! Or atleast put your glasses on.

The season for giving

I love Christmas. I love the electric feel in the air. I love giving presents. I love making and delivering cookies and stuff to make people fat. I love everything about it.

Especially helping those in need.

Every year since I was 15 and had my own job, I choose a child or family off of the Salvation Army Angel Tree. This year was the first year I didn't do it. Instead, my fiance and I decided to help someone we knew (well, I knew) because there are so many more people struggling this year because of the lack of jobs and crappy economy.

We chose to help a lady I work with. We'll call her Pat. Pat's husband lost his job earlier this year. She has a son in highschool. They are an older couple, and they live in a trailer park. Somehow, Pat has been supporting her family off of $9.15 an hour for a few months now. She's seriously amazing.

I got the idea to help her this Christmas when we were talking sometime in early November. I asked her if she was getting excited for Christmas. Her whole persona changed and she looked upset; like she might cry, which was totally weird for her because she's not an emotional person at all. She looked and me and said, "I told my son there's not going to be a Christmas this year. He said he understands, but it's hard for a boy his age". With that, she walked away. My heart broke for her.

I don't have a lot of money, and neither does my fiance. I am a full-time student, and though my fiance has graduated college, neither of us work really high paying jobs. We make due with what we can, but we are always happy to help others. I make handmade cards with my aunt for her to sell. We went to a craft show, and she donated some of the money to Pat and her family. It was sooo nice.

We ended up buying 2 gift cards for groceries, a gift card to Game Stop for Pat's son because he liked to play video games, and a gift card to IHOP for a family dinner out. I was excited, and I hoped it made their Christmas a little easier.

Pat is not the type of person to take handouts, no matter how badly her and her family are victims of their circumstances. I hoped she wouldn't get mad at me for wanting to help her. She doesn't like help, even if it's with the best of intentions. I wanted to try anyway because I really admire her and think her family deserves bit of cheer this holiday.

I handed Pat a card with a special message inside and all the gift cards last week right before she left work. Today, at work, another employee handed me a yellow envelope with my name on it. It was a card from Pat and her family. It was one of the sweetest cards I've ever recieved. I feel blessed and it totally made my evening to know that maybe, just maybe, their Christmas won't be terrible afterall.

My excuse for lack of blogging

So here's my really lame excuse for the lack of blogging.

I hate my computer. Like seriously. During the school year, it is with me all the time; practically glued to me. We study from our laptops because our professors send us PowerPoints for lecture, we constantly check our e-mail, we take exams on our laptops. During the school  year, if my lapstop is more than 10 feet away from me I practically feel like I might have a panic attack.

So, I've enjoyed time away from the computer. I've been doing things like baking cookies, decorating the Christmas tree, wrapping presents, crocheting, playing in the snow, watching totally cheesy Hallmark movies, showering, volunteering, spending time with my fiance and family, eating way too much chocolate, shopping, more shopping, did I mention shopping? Which would totally explain why there's only $14.89 left in my bank account until the Thursday after next. And my car is on empty. Hrmph. But, it's totally worth it.

So there, my friends, is my lame-o excuse for not blogging. I'm going to try to work on that.

No guarantees though. :) I'm enjoying my break way too much.

I can't wait to get married and have a house of my own with the only person who doesn't drive me crazier than I already am.

My parent's house drives me bonkers!

I kind of feel homeless. I don't think I'll ever feel "complete" until I'm married with a home to call my own. I live too many places to call somewhere "home".

More things I wish I knew

-I wish I knew why I always run late. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose.
-I wish I knew why my fiance was at work already... 2 hours early.
-I wish I knew why my friend died in a car accident.
-I wish I knew why I still miss him so much. It's been 3 years.
-I wish I knew where I was going to live some day.
-I wish I knew if dogs went to heaven.
-I wish I knew how my parents and little brother survive in their house because there is nothing to eat here.
-I wish I knew why my socks never match.
-I wish I knew where my gloves are.

What I wish I knew

-I wish I knew how to bake a good chocolate cake like my chef cousin does.
-I wish I knew everything I have to learn next semester.
-I wish I knew my paternal grandfather.
-I wish I knew why people were poor.
-I wish I knew math.
-I wish I knew whether or not I would be able to have children.
-I wish I knew why God never let my parents have more children.
-I wish I knew why we had to wear white pants to clinical.
-I wish I knew where my black clogs disappeared to.
-I wish I knew why the lights on our Christmas tree only work 1/2 of the time.
-I wish I knew what happened to make my dad's side of the family so bitter.
-I wish I knew where the Salvatoin Army distribution headquarters was so I can volunteer tomorrow.
-I wish I knew why more people didn't use cloth pads rather than disposables.
-I wish I knew why people got cancer.
-I wish I knew why my dad never shaves his beard.
-I wish I knew how everything is going to work out for my fiance and I's future. Like a house, and his career, etc.
-I wish I knew why some people hate Christmas.
-I wish I knew why my parents never got me treatment for my anxiety when I was a child.

Blessing of the Hands

I meant to blog about this before, but I was busy studying for finals.

In one of my classes, I had the coolest experience called "Blessing of the Hands". One of the nursing professors started this tradition in one of her classes, and they now also do it at graduation. The whole point of it is to remember than nurses may not realize it, but we rely on our hands so much in order to bring comfort and healing to a patient.

Each student is called individually to the front where there is a big bowl. A teacher or pastor pours water on your hands to symbolize cleansing of your hands, then they hold your hands and say a prayer that your hands be instruments to help others and give them healing and comfort. After that, our professor annointed our hands with oil from Jerusalem.

I am terrible at explaining things, so if you want to read more about it, go here.

Dean's List

This summer when I went to see my doctor, I wasn't sure how I would do with an antidepressant. I work very hard to get good grades, and I've made the Dean's List for the last 3 semesters. I was worried that taking an antidepressant would make me apathetic toward my schooling, and my grades would suffer. I am really excited to say that it's been the total opposite, and I've made the Dean's List once again. Sooo, 4 semesters in a row.

This past semester hasn't been easy, and I'm not sure I would have survived it if I wasn't on medication. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to school and my grades; so bad that my body suffers physically from it. But, since being on the medication, I haven't been sick anymore, and I am much less stressed and anxious all the time. I can actually relax more than I used to be able to. I used to study all the time. I would go 2 weeks without seeing my fiance because I was too busy studying and worrying I wouldn't be adequate. I would stay up until 2-3am studying, missing out on much needed sleep, which is so not healthy. I am doing so much better this semester, and I can make my brain justify spending time with my family and fiance and sleeping like I need to. And I can still make the Dean's List doing it.

Dear Fellow Colleague,

Please do not whine at me 3 hours before our final exam about how you are failing the class. Maybe if you had prioritized your time more wisely in the semester, you wouldn't be cramming information up your butt last minute and praying incessantly to the Almighly to help you pass.

The ball is in your court, dear. Your grades are a reflection of your studies and dedication... or more a reflection of your non-studies and undedication. You decide. In the meantime, don't interrupt my precious study time to ask if you can "calculate my grade" so you "know I'm doing okay in the class". I have a B, thank you, and I worked very hard for it. Maybe you should have, too, instead of having "sleepovers" all the time with your boyfriend and partying every single weekend.

Sincerly,

crazynursingstudent

Almost there

As of 12:00 pm on Friday, I will be on Christmas break on my way to recharging my brain batteries!

All I have left is a 7 page paper due at 2:00 pm today, an exam tomorrow at 3:30 pm (the one I'm most nervous about), and a presentation to attend on Friday at 10:30 am. Then I'm done!!

I am getting excited. This has been by far the least stressful finals week (thanks, happy pill!) My mom said to me this weekend, "When are finals for you? They should be coming up soon, right?". I said, "Um, next week!". She couldn't believe I was so calm and relaxed. (Me either, honestly.)

Love my happy pill! Talk to you next week after finals.

Winter, winter, go away...

I dislike winter. A lot.

So I am sharing a picture I took last spring. It makes me feel less... gloomy.

I'm alive

I think?

I'm just studying for finals!

Allergic reaction = drugged

Well, I was planning on writing 2 blogs tonight, however, I decided to have a severe allergic reaction to something/someone in Walmart and am all drugged up instead.

Thank God my fiance was there to save me.

And thank you, albuterol inhalor.

And than you, Benadryl.

Perfect sleeping day

This cold and rainy weather makes me sleepy.

I have so many things that need to get done, but its hard to do them when all I want to do is nap by the fireplace.

I am never having sex again!

Today in lecture, we covered female reproductive disorders, which I was excited about since I want to be a midwife one fine day. I am, however, now scarred for life thanks to the STD pictures, which you can kindly thank me for not posting on here.

Ahem.

Yeah, and heck with the whole having tons of children thing.

Theres no way I want to have my butt/bladder/uterus/intestines prolapse into my vagina. No siree. So not happening! (sorry babe!)

Best days of our lives

These are the best days of our lives.

These are the days I can't wait to tell our kids about.

We are poor, but man, we are so in love, and we've never been happier.

I can't wait to tell our kids about the year we had the rusty Christmas tree we had because we were too poor to buy another one. A dinky supposedly 6 foot, 2 year old fake tree from Walmart that you could see straight through. We giggled and made jokes about that darn tree the whole time we were putting it up, and after the lights, felt garland, and ecclectic ornaments were put up, we smiled and kissed.

We've never been happier. No, we aren't rich and we don't drive fancy cars. Our idea of a hot date is going on for $5 pizza on Tuesday nights and going shopping for cat toys for our beloved and spoiled cat, Keiko. We are excited just to go for a drive in the Jetta and talk. I think thats what love is, just happy being together through good and bad, rich and poor, and thick and thin. I wouldn't have it any other way.

2 weeks!

Christmas break is so close, I can taste it.

2 weeks.

2 weeks until maybe I can actually see my best friend.
2 weeks until I can work and actually make some money to save.
2 weeks until I am just that much closer to graduation.
2 weeks until I can sleep in as late as I want to.
2 weeks until I am going to beg my fiance to go to IHOP at 2am in the morning just so we can drink crappy coffee and talk.
2 weeks until I can bake as many cookies and blackberry chocolate chip pies as my heart desires. I totally plan on making Tamra's chewy chocolate gingerbread cookies.
2 weeks until I don't have to study for a whole month.
2 weeks until I can actually get into the Christmas spirit.
2 weeks until I can volunteer at the Salvation Army.
2 weeks until I can be crafty and scrapbook, make cards, crochet, and sew.
2 weeks until I can see my fiance every day if he's not to busy for me (it's not his fault- he works so much and so hard to save for our future.)
2 weeks until I can sit on the couch with my mom and watch cheesy Hallmark movies all weekend long.
2 weeks until I can spend time with my "nephdog" (puppy nephew- Google it! It really exists.)

2 weeks!

Things are looking up

Life is been particularly, er... not good lately, but things are starting to get better!

I am done with clinical for the semester, so now my Monday evenings are free. Tonight is my first free Monday since August, and I am very excited about it! I plan to spend this beautiful rainy Monday evening writing a history paper and then reading a book I got for my mom for Christmas (just testing it out ;))

I got a lot of my Christmas shopping done this past weekend, and I am super excited about that because it was really stressing me out. I love Christmas shopping, but it seems like I never have time to get the perfect gifts for everyone while I am busy with school. Mom and I went Black Friday shopping and got to Walmart at 3 am. I almost got mugged and/or killed by crazy laptop buyers. Thank God there were 2 police there, or I might not have made it out alive.

I think I briefly mention it in one of my previous posts, but we had to put the family dog of 13 years to sleep last week. I didn't really like the dog per se, but my heart broke because my family was so upset. This old pup and I had a bit of a rivalry, you see. When I would go home for the weekend, sometimes the dog would get more attention than I would. I think he was kind of stinky and he had a skin condition that made the hair on his butt fall out and it just kind of weirded me out. Also, for some reason my mom thought the dog needed 20 billion blankets in order to sleep at night. I would come home on the weekends and the dog would have 3 blankets, and I would have none, so I would have to sleep with my mom so I didn't freeze. I still felt a little sad because even though I wasn't in love with that dog, he did make sure we were all safe and sound. He was a good protector.

My brother ended up adopting a sweet and loveably hyper pup from the SPCA this weekend. He wanted a dog to pow around with him, to take hunting and hiking and whatever else mountain boys do. I am totally in love with this dog; it's hard not to be, even if you aren't a dog lover. He is a year old black lab with the sweetest face. There isn't a mean bone in his body, and when he wags his tail, his whole btt convulses. It really is just adorable. And he likes Mountain Dew, which is especially important to my brother since he lives off of Mountain Dew and ice cream. I feel like our family is complete again, and I don't have to worry about getting my blankets taken when I am not home because the dear dog is staying downstairs with my brother.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday to talk about the dreams I've been having and maybe discuss a medication change, which I really don't want to do. Getting adjusted to this medication was enough for me; I hated it. I take it at night, so maybe he will just suggest taking it in the morning or something. I'll blog after my appointment. Why can't I just be not crazy without meds? Hm?

Anyway, life is getting happier :)

What does your latte say about you?

I found this cute quiz online. I think it's pretty true. What does your latte say about you? Please share!

Your Latte Says You Are Very Serious

You don't treat yourself very often. You find that indulging doesn't jibe with your very disciplined life. You are a very serious person. You don't have time for silly antics. You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast. You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it. You are a child at heart, and you don't ever miss the opportunity to do something playful. You are complex and philosophical, but you are never arrogant.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Parents using Facebook

Both of my parents got a Facebook a few weeks ago. I was pretty surprised when they told me, just because they are not very... technologically literate? It's actually kind of cute.

Until they start talking about FB all the time. I think they spend more time on there than I do (not that it's very much because I'm busy with school all the time). It gets kind of awkward sometimes though.

Like last night:

Dad (excitedly talking to my mom): Honey, did you see what I posted on Jamie's wall?
Mom (laughing): Yeah! Did you see my status?

WEIRD.

Yay for cute blogs

It snowed (well, flurried) for the first time this winter yesterday, so I thought it was perfectly appropriate to change my layout to something more Christmas-y.

I love Christmas!

If you like my blog, visit Cristi's Creations. She has tons of really nice layouts, and they are so easy to use.

I saw this quiz on a fellow blogger, Nobody's Nothings, and thought it was pretty cool. Click here to find out what religion you most identify with.

Here are my results:

1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)



2. Orthodox Judaism (95%)


3. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (94%)


4. Islam (92%)


5. Jehovah's Witness (85%)


6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (81%)


7. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (81%)


8. Eastern Orthodox (76%)


9. Roman Catholic (76%)


10. Seventh Day Adventist (76%)


11. Jainism (73%)


12. Baha'i Faith (73%)


13. Reform Judaism (70%)


14. Sikhism (70%)


15. Hinduism (69%)


16. Unitarian Universalism (69%)


17. Liberal Quakers (66%)


18. Mahayana Buddhism (56%)


19. Scientology (54%)


20. Theravada Buddhism (54%)


21. New Age (53%)


22. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (49%)


23. Neo-Pagan (49%)


24. Secular Humanism (46%)


25. New Thought (45%)


26. Taoism (38%)


27. Nontheist (31%)

My dad is a mortician

I had a dream the other night that my dad was a mortician. We had a "workshop" (I'm not sure what it's called) in our house, and my family would get upset at him because he wouldn't ever wash his hands after playing with the dead people.

I'm going nuts, yo.

Christmas break in 14 days!

I think I can, I think I can...

PS. Why is it that my crazy cat won't drink milk but will eat pumpkin pie?

Dear Universe

Life has been ultra strange lately. It seems like bad things keep happening, so I decided to write a letter to the Universe in hopes that maybe, just maybe, things will start to get better.

Dear Universe,

Please stop making my life difficult. I will not be phased by you, because, see, here's the thing. Yes, my cousin found out she is pregnant and she is distraught, and yes, my fiance's uncle committed suicide, and yes, we had to bury him today, and yes, my fiance's computer died yesterday, and yes, his truck and broken and we also owe the vet $400 because the cat ripped out her stitches (darnit, Keiko!), and yes, I am going slightly crazy and may need a medication adjustment, and yes, finals are coming up in 2 weeks, and yes, we had to put the family dog of 13 years to sleep last night, but I refuse to get down about everything.

Because, here's the thing. Bad things keep happening, but at the same time, good things are too, and I have decided that the good things will outweight the bad things, so you may as well stop trying to get me down.

Thanks!

crazynursingstudent

What's real?

Ever since I started taking happy pills, I have really vivid dreams. Sometimes, I even confuse them with reality, and it's really weird/annoying. I can sympathize with schizophrenics even more now cause I know what it's like trying to differentiate reality from your mind. Lol.

My sister has been missing her favorite shirt since we went to see my cousin graduate from the Marine Corps bootcamp. It's green with a cartoon zebra on it. She thinks she left it at the hotal and we haven't been able to find it since then. I (think?) I had a dream that I was folding laundry on my bed and I came across a green shirt that was inside out, and it was the zebra shirt. I was so excited that it randomly turned up, and I left it on the bed.

When my sister got home later, I told her I found the zebra shirt, and she was so excited. I told her I would go get it, and it wasn't on the bed. I turned our room upside down looking for that darn thing, TWICE, and I never found it. If it was a dream, it was so real that I couldn't tell it was a dream.

Another instance happened this weekend.

My mom despises Rachel Ray. I kind of love her, but my mom cringes every time she comes on the Food Network. She's just so perky. Anyway, my aunt gives me her Rachel Ray magazines after she is done with them because she knows I like to cook. She gave me the newest one the other day. I apparently had a dream that my mom was looking through a Rachel Ray magazine at Walmart while we were checking out (nothing unusual about this. My mom always looks at magazines while we are in line to check out). She said to me, "I know I don't like her on TV, but I actually really like her magazines". I swear it was real!

This weekend, I was talking to my mom, and I saw a Rachel Ray magazine on my bedroom floor. I said to her, "Hey, there's the new magazine if you want to look at it". She replied with a quizzical look on her face and wrinkled her nose, "You know I don't like Rachel Ray".

I was baffled. I told her that I was with her in Walmart the other day and she told me she liked the magazines. It kind of upset me that this dream I had was so real that I think it really happened. Later my mom told me that before I told her about my dreams being so real, she didn't understand why I was so upset, and she thought I got her a magazine subscription for Christmas or something.

I think the next time I go to my doctor, I am going to ask if this is normal or not. It's kind of amazing, but mostly really annoying.

I'm a bright side kind of girl

On the bright side, my dad has the back-door trots along with his vomit. My brother sprayed Febreeze as well as Lysol, so now it smells like someone crapped in a flower bed while the clean breeze blows.

I am trying to relax and drink a cup of homemade hot cocoa and lots of real whipped cream. Keyword: trying.

The reason behind my zits

I never get zits.

I currently have 3. Let's just say this weekend has pretty much done me in.

I an pretty sure I didn't blog about it then, as I wasn't blogging as often as I do now, but a about this time last year, my cousin had an affair. She cheated on her husband of 4 years with some dude she met on the internet. I caught her naked in my aunt and uncle's bedroom, on webcam with him. They met up at a hotel and did the deed a few weeks later. Since then, she has gotten divorced, left the dude she cheated with, and hooked up and is living with another guy who lives a few hours away. She seems happy, and I am happy for her. She deserves a fresh start in her life. I was with my grandmother this weekend and she informs me that my cousin is pregnant by the guy she is living with. I know this is life-altering for everyone who has ever been in that situation, but for her, I know it's going to be hell. My aunt and uncle and all of the people they associate with are super conservative Christian we-don't-associate-with-anything-ungodly holier than though kind of people. My heart goes out to her. She hasn't told them yet.

That wasn't too bad though.

Yesterday was my fiance's family's big Thanksgiving get-together. One of his uncles was missing for a few hours after an arguement with his wife. Everyone could tell there was some unspoken tension going on the whole time, but it came to a head when my fiance's aunt and her son left to go see if they could find his uncle. My fiance's uncle committed suicide, and his aunt found him in the garage, already dead. My fiance was one of the first to arrive, and had no clue what was going on until his aunt broke down. I ended up watching my fiance's cousins; 3 beautiful little granddaughters of the man who killed himself. They were his only grandkids and they adored him. It was chaos; I don't think my fiance and I finally fell in bed until 2 am.

I don't understand people's reactions sometimes. Everyone talks, "oh, I don't know how he could have done that, how selfish, blah blah blah". I am not saying suicide is okay, at all. I am just saying that I can identify with what he felt at the moment he decided to commit suicide. When you want to die, it doesn't feel selfish. I remember feeling like if I wasn't alive, people would be relieved because they wouldn't have to worry about me, and I would be out of their way. I felt like I was a bother to everyone, and I was in so much pain that it hurt from the inside out. Like a huge ache that takes your breath away, and dying would just feel so good. (Don't take this wrong, I am not suicidal in the least, I just remember feeling this very vividly, as it is part of my past and has made me who I am today). I feel super bad for my fiance's family (who I love as my very own). There's really no preparation for this kind of tragedy.

(Please don't take any of ^that^ as complaining. There's no where else in the world I would rather be than with my fiance's family during this time.)

Today has been a vast improvement from yesterday, though. I've spent the last 3 hours cleaning up my dad's vomit. Flossing puke chunks out of the cracks in the toilet is really theraputic, and I'm proud to say the toilet is now so clean you could eat of it (if you dare).

Because of this disastrous weekend, I am hours behind in my studying for a big exam on Tuesday, as well as my presentation tomorrow. I am utterly thrilled about the possibility of pulling an all nighter tomorrow night.

So there, my friends, is the reason behind my zits.

So guess who my next paid photography client is?

Makeup girl and her family.

Bahaha.

Karma.

Dear migrane, please go away. love, me.

Ugh.

I think I have a migraine. Earlier today I was seeing floaters, which sometimes happens if I sit up too quickly, so I didn't think much of it. Sometimes it means that a bad headache is on it's way. Which is currently the case. I feel lightheaded, nauseas, and my head is throbbing. It only stresses me out more knowing that I have a big practical exam tomorrow, and I need my brain to work. I took some Tylenol and peppermint oil capulses, so hopefully it will take the edge off and curb the nausea so I can get some sleep. I hope I do okay tomorrow :(

To do

-Study for Medsurg (yay, urine) for Tuesday
-Go to bed at a decent hour (aka-stop crocheting)
-Prepare presentation for next Monday
-Class evaluations
-Extra credit for Medsurg
-History paper
-Spirituality journal
-Practice tomorrow for practical exam (ugh)
-Fiance's family Thanksgiving dinner Saturday (MAKE PIE)
-Take Christmas pictures on Sunday
-Meet dad for lunch on Monday
-Stop procrastinating...

Dear Blogger friends,

What are you thankful for?

Happy (Almost!) Thanksgiving!

crazynursingstudent

Breeding swans

Is it really normal to have origami swans all over your house, even if you do live with an Asian?

I find these everywhere, like on top of the lamps in the living room, and on the chandelier in the dining room, in our bedroom on the dresser and hanging from little strings from the ceiling. It's like they.. breed. Can origami swans breed? I didn't think so, but I am thinking maybe they need to have "the talk" and invest in some birth control or something.

Confessions

-I stay way too late crocheting, because I'm addicted.
-I can't brush my teeth without the water on.
-I knocked over a camera tripod the other day at school because I didn't realize how large my bookbag was, and I broke it.
-I hate wearing pants. Actually, I hate wearing clothes in general.
-I never clean the panini maker. I just wipe the crumbs out. My family would be horrified if they knew I did this.
-Everyone in my family assumes I'll be a virgin on my wedding night. (sorry!)
-I am a huge procrastinator. Like right now, I have a paper due at 6pm, and I'm about halfway done. (oops).
-Sometimes I forget to eat breakfast. And lunch.
-I always feel guilty for having a take a little white pill to make me not crazy when I go to the pharmacy to pick it up every month because kids I went to highschool with work there.
-Sometimes my friends annoy me and I wish they would go away.
-I hand out money to the sketchy people on the side of the road who hold the buckets to "help the mentally challenged people" even though my mother tells me not to cause, they're really sketchy.

Incontinent chickens

In lecture today we were talking about urinary incontinence, and on the Powerpoint my professor was lecturing from was a picture of a dog wearing a diaper, and everyone in the class was, like, errrrr, why is that dog wearing a diaper?

This lead to a discussion about an Animal Planet special that talked about a pet chicken whose owner let it live inside with the family and the owner made it diapers to wear. All the while I am thinking, this is what me and my parents spend $25,000 on a year... To hear about incontinent chickens?

Professor: "Don't you all ever watch Animal Planet?"
Class: "No..."
Professor: "Oh, I forgot. Nursing students don't have lives."

Thankful Tuesday

Today, I am thankful for:

-The people outside of Walmart ringing the bell for the Salvation Army kettles
-My wonderful, unconditionally loving fiance
-The few people who know how to make the perfect mocha
-Moms
-Gingerbread pancakes from IHOP!
-That I'm emotionally stable enough to reciprocate the love I feel from others
-Knowing someone who makes the best cake in the world

H1N1 vaccine

We just got a shipment of H1N1 vaccines in at school and they are reserved for students who are at high risk for contracting H1N1, like immunocompressed, asthma, ect, but they are also reserved for people who are involved in direct patient care, such as yours truely. I am trying to decide whether or not I want the vaccine. It's just so new, and that makes me nervous. I am not sure what to do. I really wanted to get it before, but after thinking about it, I am just not sure.

Karma

Makeup girl finally got what she deserved had a frustrating patient who tried to rip out his IV every 5 minutes, so she had to continuously stay in the room. After about 5 hours into clinical, I passed by her room and she whispered loudly, "Hey! Can I, like, go to the bathroom? Can you sit with him?" I felt kind of bad for her so I sat with her patient while she went to the bathroom and took a quick break. I talked with her patient, who was kind of creepy and you could just tell he was not right in the head or something. I asked him why he kept trying to pull out his IV, and he said, "I just want to go home." I tried to be understanding because usually if someone is that persistant at trying to get their IV out to go home, usually there is a reason. I asked him if he had any kids at home, and he said, "Yes." I tried explaining to him that the IV was giving him food he needed so that he could get better and go home ASAP. He quit picking at it after that. I asked Makeup girl if she knew why he kept trying to pull out his IV. Shrugged and said, "No. I don't know. I didn't talk to him." Um, what? You spent 5 hours in your patient's room and you didn't talk to them. It made me a bit irritated. Just because you don't want to be a sitter for your patient, doesn't mean that they should have to suffer because of your attitude. You should always give the best care to your patients and treat them like you want to be there and listen, no matter how annoying or creepy they are.

She did tell me a funny story though.

Patient: Looking up and down Makeup girl. I have to admit, other than the excess of caked on  makeup, she is a pretty girl. Actually she is a pageant queen, and I'm not kidding. He chuckles and says, "You gotta cold look about you."
Makeup girl: "Is that so? Why?"
Patient: "I unno. You just look kind of...evil. Like yer gunna keel someone."

Yeah, he really talked that like.

My new style

You know you're overly tired when you put your shirt on backwards in broad daylight and don't notice until nearly half of the way is gone, and you only realize your shirt has been on backwards all day because the tag has begun to scrap the fragile skin off your chest. As if wearing your shirt backwards wasn't embarrassing enough, you now have a red splotch and scratches on your once nearly perfect bosom. I hope I don't make a habit of this.

Bahaha.

Love him

Apparently my mom knew how to crochet from the "olden days" when she was a SAHM, and gave me a quick lesson. I've been addicted since Friday and have started 2 scarves. I watched a tutorial on YouTube on making crocheted flowers, and after 2 hours and redoing it about 10918343 times, I finished one. I sent a picture on my phone to my fiance with the title being "So my flower looks more like a blob, but I'll get better."

He replies, "It's the most beautiful flower in the world."

Love him.

World's worst neighbor

One of my neighbors is a 60something, single old man. He's a super nice guy; I even have him on speed dial in case or a fire or if someone breaks in. I don't deserve this though, because I am world's worst neighbor.

Our kitchen window looks into his dining room window, and often his blind is closed or he is at work in the middle of the day. It never ceases to fail that he is for some reason, home and working  outside or his blind just happens to be open the days when I am running around late for clinical in my underwear or dancing provacatively in my kitchen while making lunch. The poor man probably sees my panties more than my fiance.

I am world's worst neighbor. Maybe we should get our window covering fixed? Hm.

Today is a good day

You know it's a good day when:
-you remember you need to wash your clinical uniform an hour and a half before clinical starts, and you find -that your little sister already did laundry and it's clean.
-you realize you get to see your fiance tomorrow.
-you realize today is the last clinical of the semester.
-you see the light of that really long tunnel.
-you remember to refill your happy pill prescription before you run out.
-you made time for a nap.
-you forgot to read for your history homework and still ace a pop quiz.
-you look up and see blue skies, falling leaves, and hope for tomorrow.

Blogger is making me mad :(

Christmas presents/cards

Because I'm naturally, an old lady (hey, my fiance thinks it's hot!), I love to be creative. Lately, I've been helping my aunt make cards because she sells handmade things as a side business. This past weekend we made Christmas cards for a bazaar she's going to later this month. I think they turned out pretty cute!

I did some Christmas shopping online today. I was looking on half.com and I just so happened to find the perfect present for my mom. She loves to read and she loves the beach, so I ordered Chicken Soup for the Beach Lover's Soul for $2.54 (yesssssssss). I actually ordered 2. I am thinking about giving one to future MIL or my brother's girlfriend for Christmas. It depends on if I have time to make the lap quilt for the MIL before Christmas or not.

I also ordered a cutesy gift for my little sister. She loves food, especially sweets, so I thought this was adorable. It's little soaps in gummi bear shapes. They look so real! I am thinking about getting her a cookbook to go with the soaps and necklace I got her from Esty.

I still have no clue what I am going to get for my brother or dad. They are so difficult to shop for. Plus, my dad's birthday was a few days ago, and it's going to be pretty hard to top the Mustang mouse I got him for his laptop... I love finding the perfect gifts for people :)

Keiko the freako

I never understood how people can love their animals like other people until my fiance and I adopted this cat together. She makes me laugh so much! Yesterday I set a Walmart bag on the bench in my fiance's dining room and I look down and Keiko, our cat, has her head through the handle on the bag. As if that wasn't funny enough, she started running around the house, with the handle of the bag around her neck and the bag flapping around her. It was so funny! The things she does are priceless.

Insomnia

My dear, sweet boy is sleeping soundly above me, and has been for hours. I'm so entirely jealous. Why am I still awake when I know I have to be up in a few hours?

At least I got some homework done. Right?

Lord's prayer, holiday edition

Dear Father who are in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name
Thank you for giving me off work for Thanksgiving and Christmas
Thank you for Christmas break, so that my poor, friend brain can defragment itself and compact everything I've learned this semester like a trash compactor
Give us this day
Some money so that we can buy Christmas presents, and pay our bills
And please forgive me for making fun of people
You can put me on the naughty list, if You want to
In the name of the Father, Son, and baby Jesus
AMEN.

My favorite nursing words

One of the fun things about nursing, is that you get to use and describe people and things with cool/gross words. Some of my favorites are:

-Purulent
-Peyronie's
-Erythematous
-"Beefy red"
-Penile
-Pus
-Pharyngolaryngooesphogectomy (try saying that)

And you get to ask people questions like, "Have you been moving your bowels regularly?" and, "So how has this effected your sex life?", and it's not really awkward at all!

One of the 2394819823 reasons why I love nursing.

Beautiful stoma ya got there ;)

Today in skills lab, we learned about ostomys. I think this is the most fun we've had in lab all year. We made stomas out of Playdoh, and used a table for the patient's belly. We attached the ostomy bags to the table over the Playdoh stoma, and it was fun!

One of our assignments is to put chocolate pudding in the ostomy bag and wear it around at home. Nursing school is so gross.

What I hope I always remember

Growing up I wanted to be a baby doctor. I carried this dream around with me until I was was 15, and started working in a hopsital coffee shop. It changed my mind, as I saw hurried doctors, hardly looking at me and taking notice that I was a person. I supposed they can't help it because the majority of them look at everyone this way; seeing their patients as merely scientific beings. I know very few doctors that see their patients as holistic, spiritual beings, who have needs outside of a physical cure. I didn't want to become that kind of person, and it changed my heart and mind about being a doctor. I care too much about people to ever stop caring. It's my talent and it's what brings me satisfaction at the day's end and it's what brings me the most joy.

I purchased this painting this summer because I fell in love with it. I love mermaids and pregnant women, so it was pretty perfect. I plan to hang it in my office when I become a midwife, to remind me of what I hope I always remember, and that is that people are not just scientific and metabolic beings. They have hopes, dreams, feelings, and meeting those needs are sometimes more important than giving them a cure to their physical ailments. I hope I can be the kind of midwife that treats the "whole person" and nurtures their body, mind, and soul. I hope I can always remember how to do this.

My favorite Google searches

I always wonder what people were trying to find when they Google something and click on a link to my blog. Here are some of my favorites:

"i hate nursing school" (me too!)
"peed my pants" (hahahaha)
"nursing student underwear" (wth?)
"nursing school is crazy"
"nursing school is insane" (right on!)
" i love nursing school" (me too! It's really a love/hate relationship.)
"nursing student is crazy" <--- That's so me! Except I wouldn't Google my own blog.

My pt the other day was amazingly sweet. He let me try all kinds of things on him. Wait... I didn't mean that in a perverted way. Anyway, He was scheduled to have an upper endoscopy, which is where the doctor will take a tube with a camera on the tip of it and he/she looks down your mouth at your guts. It was pretty cool seeing it for the first time, but I think it would become really boring unless someone was bleeding internally or something. Anyway, it was pretty cool when my patient woke up and I got to tell him I saw his guts (he asked what it looked like). He just laughed. He was pretty funny. I was talking to him before his endoscopy and I told him that his wife seemed like a really sweet lady, and he mumbled on about "yeah, you don't really know her" blah blah blah, and then after the endoscopy he was talking about his wife again and said the sweetest things about her, like, "My wife, she is the most beautiful person I know. She's a much better person than me; she will do anything for anyone, no matter what they have ever done to her." It was the total opposite of what he said about her earlier, maybe it was the drugs? Maybe we should give drugs to every man who things his wife is such a nag.

Anyway, after his endoscopy he decided he wanted the Pneumovax, which is the pneumonia vaccine, so I gave it to him. I've never given an IM injection, only subcutaneous, and man that needle was huge! I was drawing up the medication, shaking, and I kept picking up things and putting them down because I couldn't get my brain to work because all I could think about was that needle is so big, and it's going to go in his arm and wow, that needle is really big. Then, the nurse I was working with says to the patient, "She's done a million of these things. No really, actually it's her first." All I could think was, "Thanks, a billion, for making me more nervous than I already was. If I put this really big needle in crooked or hit his bone, it's your fault!" But I did it, and I did it well. It was actually really easy, and my patient said it barely hurt. He couldn't tell it  was my first time doing it. It didn't even bleed! (Which is a lot more than I could say about my TDAP injection I got a few months back...) My patient was being discharged after his endoscopy, so I got to take out his IV even though I've never been taught how to do it. It's pretty self-explanatory. I felt bad though because he was trying to get dressed and packed, but it kept bleeding everywhere. My nurse kept looking at me like, "What the freak did you do to his hand?". It eventually stopped. I think it was one of the best clinical days I've had because I got to try and see new things. I love learning.

Why my school e-mail WILL NOT WORK

I am OCD about checking my school e-mail. I check it morning, noon, and night, and everywhere in between. I probably check it 30 times a day, and I'm not kidding.

Our school e-mail has not worked all day, and it's driving me insane. I am always afraid I am going to miss something, like maybe finding out class is cancelled tomorrow (ha, yeah. I'm not that lucky), or what to bring, or that the carpet is being replaced (yeah, seriously. we get e-mails about junk like that).

Wanna know why our e-mail isn't working?

Because our professors are arguing over e-mail about the death penalty. Seriously? Satisfying my OCD tendancies is more important than your immaturity. Grow up and give us a reason to respect you.

More thoughts from the little girl

My Little Sister is babysitting the same girl again. She says the randomest things.

Her: "I think anyone who eats tuna is CRAZY."

Why are children so darn annoying and cute at the same time?

Tooma

Studying is much more fun if you write "tooma" in place of "tumor".

It makes me giggle atleast!

Kimchi

I'm not very adventurous when it comes to food, but once in a blue moon I will try something new. I ate fermented vegetables! And I liked it!

My Korean Little Sister got some kimchi (fermented vegetables) fried rice and I tried it. It is so good! It is super smelly (duh! fermented vegetables...). It has a smell and taste all it's own, and it's super spicy but it's really good.

Maybe I will get a recipie from my little sister and post it later for those adventurous cooks out there.

Coffee :(

I need coffee! Stat!

But I've been so good. I haven't had coffee in about a week.

But I really want coffee!

Candy candy candy candy

Brach's Caramel Apple Candy Corn

Whyyyyy is this stuff so good? I don't even like candy corn!

Kids say funny things

Little Sister is babysitting a little girl today; I think she is about 6 years old. She was talking about not liking Obama being the President earlier.

Me: Why don't you like Obama being the President?
Her: I don't like him because, um, I forgot. *pauses* Oh yeah, mommy said he is giving away free airplanes and that's why I don't like him.

Errrr, makes sense... huh?

I peed in my shoe.

I stayed with my fiance Saturaday night because my parents were out of town. At about 10:00 Saturday night, we walked out to my car to get my happy pills out of my purse so I could take them before bed. The day before, I spilled milk in my car and I left the windows down because to air out my car from the horrid smell (and I mean, horrid).

Anyway.

We walked out out to the car and my fiance was standing on the passenger side of the car, and me on the driver's side. I leaned over in the back seat to grab my purse and all of a sudden I see something furry smack the rear window. I jumped back and muttered an obsene word, while my fiance laughed his butt off. One of the outside cats had jumped in the window and was chillin' in my back seat. When he heard us, he tried to jump out of the car, only to smack the rear window.

As my closest friends and family know, I have a weak bladder. It's not the first time it's ever happened, and it won't be the last, but it certainly makes for some interesting stories. After I realized what happened, I started laughing hysterically, like on the ground laughing. Before I knew it there was a tinkle-ing sound on the ground and my pants were wet. So was my shoe. My favorite pair of brown old man shoes.

I peed in my shoe :(

PACU, balls, and schedule

Today I got to shadow a nurse in PACU (it's the place you go right after surgery). Even though it's not really my type of thing, I had fun and found it really interesting. I like how busy it is, and everyone there just seemed to have an overall good attitude, which is a great step above many nurses on the floor.

I got my schedule mostly figured out. Since I had to be at the PACU this morning, I didn't get to register before everyone else, so one of the classes I need to take is filled up. I am going to talk to the professor this afternoon before class, and I am sure she will let me in so I can stay on track. Next semester is going to suck balls. Speaking of balls...

One of the patients I saw today was a young guy who had an orchiectomy. Basically, he got on of his balls chopped off (poor guy). He was so funny though! It cracks me up to see the things people do under the influence of narcotics. He woke up, looked around, peeked under the blankets down there, and said, "Hrmph!", and promptly when back to sleep. I was cracking up on the inside. I guess he was pleased to see he stil had one left. I'm not really sure.

Things to do

To do:

-Not go crazy
-Register after PACU tomorrow
-Study for exam on Tuesday
-Send love notes
-Study for NG tube quiz tomorrow
-Visit new gym
-Send a Christmas angel letter
-Do extra credit for Med/surg
-Do laundry before it eats your little sister
-Shower (it's sad when you have to include showering on your to-do list)
-Run with scissors

Pissy

It's that time of year again. No, not Thanksgiving and Christmas; the other that time. Registering for classes. Now I'm not sure how many other college students have a difficult time with registering for classes the next semester, but I have great diffculties every year.

This semester I had an appointment with my advisor. She never showed up, as usual. I had to wait 3 and a half hours to meet with someone else, who couldn't even approve me, but just looked at my schedule and said, "Okay, looks good. I will tell your advisor to approve this." Gee, thanks.

For our lovely university, we have to do online registration. Usually it decides to glitch the exact day we are allowed to register. All of us psychotic nursing students stay up or set our alarms for 12am on the dot to register the day we are allowed. Hence, I set my alarm to get up and register. "You are not approved to register at this time."

My question is: Why are my parents and I paying thousands of dollars for this again?

SO sweeeeeeeet

I swear I have the sweetest sister ever.

We were Skype-ing yesterday, and say said to me, "I pray every day that God makes me have a heart like yours".

I think that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to/about me, ever. I'm so lucky to have her.

Hint hint

If you are, or ever have been in college, I am sure you've had to create a reference page for a presentation or a paper. If you are, or ever have been in college, I am sure you know just how big of a pain in the butt it is to do so.

http://www.bibme.org/

This website allows you to plug in all your info from websites, journals, books, etc, and does some sort of magic and VOILA! You're reference is done for you, in APA, MLA, whatever. No more missing points because of periods and spaces and things in the wrong place.

I LOVE THIS WEBSITE!

Why am I still awake?

I want to learn how to do this! I was a barista in my former life...

My Favorite Herbal-y Things

I really like studying alternative medicine. Sometimes I think herbals and other types of healing practices like hypnosis, massage, accupuncture, etc, can be just as, if not more effective than Western medicine. I wish more people knew and/or embraced this kind of stuff because it opens up many more possibilities for the best quality of life.

My favorite herbals/home remedies:

-Peppermint oil: Can be used for nausea/upset stomach. It's also an antispasmotic for people with IBS.
-Omega-3 Fish Oil: This is awesome for cardiac support, like cholesterol and blood pressure levels. Also helps improve concentration and memory. Sometimes used for constipation (be careful how much you take or you may end up with diarrhea).
-Kelp: Great for a needed boost of energy because it promotes optimal thyroid function. Also can aid in weight loss.
-Mayonaise: Use it on your hair for dry hair as a conditioner. Let it stay of your hair for a while and shampoo really well.
-Hot water with lemon juice: Good for constipation. Drink about 2 cups before bed.
-Vitamin E oil: I love this stuff for minor cuts, bruises, mouth sores, pretty much everything! It also helps with pain from cuts and other skin problems.
-Bromelain: I recently discovered this when I was sick a few weeks ago. My aunt gave me some and told me to talk some every day while I was sick for sinus congestion, and by golly, it worked! My sinus congestion was better 2 days after I started taking it.
-Olive oil: Great as a skin moisturizer. A little goes a long way.
-Witch hazel: I like to use this for a skin astringent, but I also give it to my dad for hemorhoids. It's supposed to help with pain if you pat your butt with it. (TMI, I know. LOL)

If you have any to add, feel free to comment.

Crazy, Eclectic, Me

-I love the simple things in life, like gingerbread tea by the fireplace, and basking in the warmth and feeling the wrinkles on my lover's hand.
-I am caught somewhere between 50's housewife and modern and independant women. Until I met my fiance, I swore I was going to be single for the rest of my life. I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. At the same time, I love pleasing my man. I am happy spending hours "barefoot in the kitchen", and I want to be a stay at home mum one day. I like to quilt and scrapbook like an old lady.
-On of my biggest regrets is not getting to know my great-grandmother before she passed away, although this was not all my doing. My mom sheltered us from certain situations, and I am grateful for that, but there's so much I want to ask her.
-I'm a germophobe.
-I like gross things, like popping pimples, and watching surgery. Taking rectal temperatures and cleaning up other people's poop doesn't even phase me.
-I rarely wear makeup anymore. I am pretty without it.
-I have to sleep with my feet uncovered or it drives me crazy.
-My brother is hot. We look nothing alike.
-I fall in love with everyone, even people I've never met. I can love someone 2 seconds after meeting them. Sometimes I think caring and loving other is the only thing I'm good at.
-Sometimes the things people say or do bother me, but I don't let them get me down. If someone says "you can't do that", I just want to do it more and prove to them that, yes, I can.
-I never had a favorite color until I was 20, when my fiance finally convinced me that it was okay to have a favorite. I felt bad being partial to all the other colors out there. I like blue :)
-I still don't have a favorite food.
-I hate spending money.
-I am thankful for everything.
-When you do something for me or give me something, no matter how small, I will thank you 20 times, or until you politely ask me to stop. I'm ridiculous. I just try to be grateful for people's kindness.
-I don't like mashed potatoes.
-I sleep nekkid
-I got engaged 6 months ago and I still haven't started wedding planning. I am excited to get married and finally live and be with my other half for eternity, but I just dont' want to plan a wedding. It's too easy to get caught up in the "stuff". Plus it's expensive!
-I'm shy and opinionated at the same time. I rarely have anything to say to people I don't know well, but when I do, I call things like they are.
-I love women. Skinny women, fat women, short women, tall women, mean women, nice women, white women, purple women. I don't care. Women are amazing, and beautiful. It's so amazing how a creature so delicate can be so incredible strong at the same time. I think it's part of the future midwife in me.
-My best friend and I are polar opposites. I'm not even sure why we are friends, other than we complete each other because we are so different. She's the missing puzzle to me.
-I never had a relationship with my dad until this year. I grew up always wishing I could be "daddy's little girl", fantasizing about being told, "I love you" and "I'm proud of you" and being spoiled. Instead, (pardon my language) I got a dickhead of a father. Then things changed, mostly me. I forgave him and started holding no expectations, good or bad. Things got better, and now I am happy to say that I love my father, good and bad.

Good day

Today is a great day because:
-I slept, alot!
-I aced the big huge exam that determined whether or not I pass a class
-I am finally caught up on my make-up work
-I stepped on a crunchy leaf (it's the little things!)
-Martin's finally got gingerbread tea (I got 6 boxes!)
-This week is cake compared to last week
-I am voting and I am blessed to have this right
-I got to Skype with my parents
-It's my dad's birthday
-It's the famous "pizza night" with my fiance

Explanation

This is the reason why there's a nursing shortage:

-10 page paper due on Thursday that was assigned Monday at 8pm
-3 exams
-2 quizzes
-Another paper due Wednesday

One of the exams is not a typical exam. You have to get above an 86% on it to pass the course. If you fail the test, you fail the course, no matter if you've gotten A's on everything else. Fair, huh?

That's my week, and I'm CRAZY.

To Write Love on Her Arms

This is taken from the TWLOHA website. It's an awesome story about how TWLOHA got started. There are so many people suffering from depression; people you know, but you would never guess. I know because I was there once too, and I am forever grateful for the people who helped hold me up and pull me out of the aweful place I was drowning in during that time in my life. Read on and support.

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."



I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.
 The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.



She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.



Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.



She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

asdfiuewhfpaiwefew

Who the frick invented nursing school?

I wanna file a claim against them!!!!

Then maybe shoot myself in the eye.

Friends

My BFF and I were facebook chatting, and she said the sweetest thing to me. It totally made my night better, and made my studying worthwile.

BFF: I love you best friend! I am really proud of you!
Me: Why?
BFF: Because you have studied you ass off and worked really hard and are going to be so good at what ever you end up doing. you are just impeccable
Me: Aww. You made me cry.
BFF: Lol. you're a baby
BFF: i like you

Laughter yoga didn't do anything for me.


I'm still gloomy :(

I am in "Spirituality in Patient Care" listening to an athetist. Makes sense, huh?

10 million things to do.

This is me procrastinating.

Beautiful

Occasionally, I find time to take pictures between studying. I really enjoy taking pictures, and I (think?) I'm decent at it. I actually love doing portraits. I've done every kind of shoot: senior pics, weddings, maternity, family, etc, but never nude photos, though I've always wanted to. I love the female body; I think women are amazing beings, and the female body is just breathtaking. Maybe this is part of the future midwife in me; I just love women! I think everything about being a women is beautiful and a thing to be celebrated.

Edit: Yes, I took these.

Ain't got no stomach

My patient today was depressed and delusional. He refuses to eat or drink because he believes he has no digestive organs, like an esophagus or stomach. He refuses to let people touch and assess him. He refuses his medications, which are vital to his mental wellbeing. He's been in the hospital for around a month, and he is finally getting some inprovement through ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). Basically, they shock you into being happy! It's interesting to see how it works though, because he will be interative and eating right after shock therapy, and in the afternoon his interaction dwindles down so much that he doesn't make eye contact or answer yes/no questions. He hides his face under the blankets and refuses to keep on his hosptial gown.

I have a heart for these kind of patients, maybe because I can relate to them. Sometimes you just need someone to treat you normal and not treat you like you're crazy; like they don't know what the hell is wrong in your brain that makes you feel so sad you can't get out of bed.

So, instead of shrinking the poor man, I opened up his blinds and let the beautiful blue sky and gorgeous colors of the changing leaves shine in his room, and talked to him like a normal person about irrelavant things, even if he didn't talk back. And his response?

He smiled and looked out the window for a long time. And he let me touch him. And took all of his medications.

Sometimes I think I might just make a good nurse afterall.

Top 10 NANDA diagnoses for nursing students

These crack me up! They are so true!

10. Fluid volume deficit related to dehydrating effects of caffeine associated with increased student sightings at coffee bars.
9. Impaired social interactions related to inappropriate topics of conversation associated with incessant discussions of bowel and bladder functions.
8. Sexual dysfunction related to time constraints and stress-induced impotence associated with increased irritability of nursing students and their significant others.
7. Functional constipation related to a lack of time to go to the bathroom associated with moving at the speed of light and still not getting everything done.
6. Impaired skin integrity related to increased intake of fat, chocolate, and alcohol associated with return to adolescent facial breakouts.
5. Anticipatory grieving related to impending midterms and final exams associated with crying fits in October, December, March, and May.
4. Maturational enuresis related to trauma-induced regression to childhood associated with frequent changing of linens.
3. Ineffective individual coping: obsessivecompulsive behaviors r/t high demand of nursing school associated with continual checking and rechecking of calendars, date books, course syllabi, and other nursing students to reassure that one is not forgetting assignments.
2. Altered thought processes: caffeine-induced psychosis related to increased coffee consumption.
1. Self-care deficit related to being a nursing student.

Carolyn Highley, BSN, RN, former editor's assistant, Nursing Diagnosis

RIP Willow

My fish died.

:(

Sweetest Old Man

I haven't written about my patient I had on Monday. Sometimes I have a hard time making myself sit down and write about my patients because I actually have to think; but, that's the whole point of this blog. For me to write and rememember, right?

Anyway, I fell in love with my patient the moment I met him. Almost 90 year old Navy vet with dementia. I couldn't understand anything he said, but he tried his best to talk to me.

I didn't even mind (that much) that he had explosive diarrhea, over and over again. As always, I felt bad for him. I know it's more difficult for the patient's getting their butts wiped by a stranger than actually doing the butt-wiping. I can't even imagine havin got succomb to someone wiping my rear for me because I am too old/too ill.

Anyway.

I doing my head-to-toe assessment, and as I was checking his heart sounds, he smiled up at me really big and held my face in his hand. My heart melted; so did his daughter's. She said people have a difficult time taking care of him because he is incoherant because of dementia. I think this just makes him more special. People like this take more time, yes, but it's sooo worth it. Relationships with patients like this, most of the time you get out what you put into it.

I loved that sweet old man.

Christmas Shopping a la Computererdora

o, I don't speak Spanish. Don't hate me for trying!

I've been feeling better today, though not classworthy according to my doctor. I've been online Christmas shopping today in between my naps and make-up work. I found this sweet necklace Little Sister. Of course they don't sell cutie little items like this in America, cause we're just not cute enough over here; the necklace is from Thailand. I found it on Etsy. I love Etsy! Speaking of Etsy, I want this hat!

Loved.

For the past two days, I have been woken up, almost every hour, by someone calling, "just to see how you're feeling", which is nice. Really, nice, but not calling six times a day.

Anyway, so I was grumpy, because I am missing class, behind in my school work, which I am trying to keep up with, but I'm just so exhausted from whatever mysterious disease my poor body is striken with, and people keep calling me.

So my momma shows up at my house this evening, carrying about six Walmart bags containing:

-2 cases of Gatorade. One red, one blue, because she couldn't remember which one I liked.
-5 cans of soup, in various brands and flavors.
-A can of Lysol
-2 big cans of Lysol wipes
-A giant bottle of Germ-X
-A box of Oreos for my caretakers
-And lastly, a book for me to read

My mom is so sweet and thoughtful.

And to top it all off, my dear, sweet, handsome fiance brought me a Cookies & Cream milkshake from Chick-fil-a.

I am loved.

Tea Love

I love this tea. I love it especially when I am sick. It's really spicy if you let it steep too long, but if you get it right, it's amazing. If you like hot tea, try this! It's only out during the holiday season though, so stock up!

Pig Flu

Obviously, I should have made my to-do list a bit earlier. I went to the doctor today, and he is pretty sure I caught the pig flu on top of bronchitis.

No classes for me 'til Monday. I am going to be so behind.

:(

Best. Day. Ever.

Today:

-I accidently flashed my 60 year old neighbor
-My patient in clinical had dementia. And explosive diarrhea. Nine times today. And had to play in it. No, I'm not kidding
-My fiancee recieve a vulgar, obscene prank call
-I got my period. Out of nowhere
-I was wearing white clinical pants when I got my period
-I am sick
-I went to Walmart to buy a thermometer to convince my mom I didn't NOT have H1N1 flu as evidenced by the absense of a fever because me feeling my own forehead wasn't convincement (is that a word?) enough. I had to buy an ovulation thermometer because they were all sold out of every other thermometer. Actually it was between the family planning thermometer or the pacifer one. Take your pick
-I have an exam tomorrow
-I had to take my engagement ring back to Zales to be fixed because one of the diamonds fell out. I don't get it back for a month
-I ate lunch at 11 am. I didn't get dinner 'til 10pm

Best. Day. Ever.