Bye bye birdy

Due to the mental health issues, I am taking a semester off of school, hence no more crazynursingstudent. (not that I've been blogging anyway).

Bye bye birdy.

I feel crazy.

I feel like a lost cause.

I feel like I will never be whole again.

I feel f*cked up.

Panic attacks. They are consuming me. 7 in in the last week.

2 were today.

They keep getting worse and worse and worse.

Doc gave me Xanax. It calms me for an hour, but the panic attacks still come, interfering with my work and social/family life.

I think no one understands me.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's truely hell.

Today, I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for my fiance and my families health.

I am humbled by what I saw today.

Today, at the hospital, I met a woman in her early twenties with two adorably rambunctious children. Her husband is in the hospital with cancer. You can look at him and know he has cancer. He is in his early twenties as well, but he looks about fourty because he is so sick. They are such a sweet family. Because I am soon to be married, it made me feel even more for that family. That could be me, or someone I know. These are the things people don't dare dream about when they say "I do". I cannot imagine what the wife is feeling, knowing that she has to care for her sick husband and young children. I cannot imagine being the husband and feeling the weight of cancer and providing for a family, wondering how your loved ones will manage if you don't make it.

Oh, my heart breaks for them.

It's okay...
...to not take summer classes for once
...to be really freaked out by the "processed meat" in dog food/treats
...to be freaked out by man-boobs
...to not care if half of your family doesn't attend your wedding
...to not be surprised when your best friend tells you she's bisexual
...to miss not getting blog comments, even though your rarely blog
...to pretend to be sleeping when your fiance annoyingly grinds on your bum early in the morning
...to giggle in your head when your fiance steps in dog poop
...to stall out 10,000 times while trying to learn not to drive a 5 speed
...to have senioritis when you're a junior

How I spent my first day of summer

I spent my first and probably last day of summer break taking maternity pictures, which happen to be my absolute favorite to shoot. It must be the aspiring midwife in me, but I am so in love with pregnant women. They are absolutely captivating! I hope you enjoy this little peek of how I spent my day.

PS: The last 2 photos show some nudity, so if you're not cool with viewing what mother nature gave us, avert your eyes!

I absolutely adore this picture. I love the blissful expression on this proud momma's face. It's like she is basking in the beauty of blossoming motherhood. Pregnancy is truely captivating.

Bad idea

It's probably a bad idea to drink water out of glass with kitty litter in the bottom of it, even if you just poured it. It probably means the sweet little kitties had their paws in your water when you turned your back, which is just gross.

Unless you want the whole world to know that you look homeless when you get off work and take happy pills, it's probably a bad idea to go pick up your medication from CVS after getting off work from midnight shift before you've had sleep, a shower, and proper teeth brushing. Especially when you graduated with the pharmacy tech. You know it's a bad sign when he saw you on campus the other day and doesn't recognize you now.

It's probably a bad idea to go to Starbucks and order anything but ice water when the good barista is not working.

It's probably a bad idea to have coffee and chocolate for breakfast, even if it is finals week.

It's probably a bad idea to not pee before a final exam, especially when there's 70+ questions and you realize that you have to go right now or you're going to pee yourself. Only problem: no restroom breaks allowed or it's considered "cheating".

It's probably a bad idea to call up your fiance's cousin and tell her that you could care less if she came to the wedding, unless you want the entire side of his family to hate you before you've even gotten hitched.

Dear finals,

Please suck it.

Thanks,

crazynursingstudent

Wedding complaints

Our wedding is 5 months away, and I am already having to write dumb, petty letters like this. Already, I have had to deal with my fair share of complains from the peanut gallery/family. I have a "friend" who hasn't spoken to me since January when she found out she wasn't one of my bridesmaids. I have an uncle who is protesting the wedding because he doesn't want to drive 5 hours to the beach. And now my fiance's cousin is throwing a 40 year old temper tantrum because her 11 year old daughter is not a flower girl. She is currently making a huge scene, refusing to go on our annual family vacation together and says they will not be attending the wedding.

Good. It's all about me and my fiance that day anyway. I just as happy if 2 people show up as I would be if 200 showed up. In my mind, I figure if you care about us enough, you'll be there.

Actually, I think my fiance and I are thinking about just eloping in Vegas and maybe joining the cirucus.

Our bedroom

We've been working on our house on the weekends, trying to get everything ready before my fiance moves in the first week of August. We've gotten the upstairs of the house painted and yesterday we starting putting our bedroom together. I am really excited with how it's turning out.

We got our bed from Ikea. Since our house is A-frame, we had to get a bed that's low to the ground. We went with the Malm style in birch. We also got matching nightstands for either side of the bed. This isn't our room and our bed is lighter than this, but this is how it looks put together.

We got this color.

Here's a crappy picture I took on my phone of our room so far. Sorry it's not the best, but our room is small so it's hard to get a good angle. We don't have our mattress yet, so what you see is the slats on the bed.

The writing on the wall is a vinyl decal that says, "Honeymoon Hideaway". That's what my mom started calling our little cabin in the woods after she visited the first time, because that's exactly what it looks and feels like. Our house is a tiny little cabin in the middle of nowhere. It's cozy and romatic, and I love it.

Almost there

I didn't tell anyone except my fiance, but I failed my comprehsive ATI test, along with half of my class.

I was so upset. It was the first ATI I've ever gotten lower than a level 2 on. In order to pass my course, I have to pass the ATI on the 2nd try.

Today, I passed. I am so happy to be nearly done with Medsurg altogether. It's been 3 semesters of stress, and I have a feeling things will be so much easier once I am done with it. There's 1 clinical and a final exam between freedom!

Next year:

OB, pediatrics, and marriage!

It's going to be a good semester. I can feel it.

The tattoo

I got a tattoo on Friday. I was scared to death, but I survived. It wasn't bad at all, actually.

Here's the story:

2 years ago in October, my maternal grandmother underwent open heart surgery. Soon after the surgery, she got more sick that anticipated. She was in the ICU on a ventilator for a month, as opposed to the typical 2 days. She was unconscious for most of that month, and every doctor, nurse, and family member thought we would lose her. I spent almost every night in the ICU waiting room, just wanting to be near if something happened. Looking for ways to encourage her, I put Finding Nemo window clings on the window in her hospital room to remind her to "just keep swimming". She has them hanging on her bathroom mirror at home now. After she was well enough to leave the ICU, we watched Finding Nemo on my laptop together.

If you can't tell, my granny and I are super close. Out of all the people in my family, I am most like her. She is the glue that holds my family together. Her quirky and sweet spirit holds a special place in my heart, and my life is so much better with her in it. Ever since she got sick, I never take a moment with her for granted. Not a phone call, not a note in the mail, not a hug, not a time when she calls me her "peach", not a call reminding me "it's only 12 days til your birthday!".

In getting this tattoo, I wanted to celebrate the moments that we've gotten to share together, and to have a piece of her with me always.  I'll never forget the twinkle in her eye and the smile on her face as we walked into the tattoo parlor with her wearing her infamous fanny pack and a bright orange top with neon purple sandles. The only thing better was adding the neon green bandage to the colorful attire. It was hilarious to see my grandparents in a tattoo parlor surrounded by grungy, tattooed and dreadlocked men playing Metallica on the radio. We got Nemo tattooed on our right legs, right above the ankle. It's one of my best memories, and we both love it.

Happy Earth Day from around my house

Nature is beautiful. Enjoy it, and enjoy these. They make me happy.

Stream of consciousness

I have so many things to do in the next 2 weeks.
I am going crazy.
I sincerely hope I don't have a panic attack today. I feel one brewing, but I am trying to keep calm.
I wish the wind and rain would go away.
I am getting a tattoo tomorrow.
I will blog about that later.
I am taking senior pictures tomorrow.
I graduate in 1 year.
I can't wait.
My parents are sick.
So is my fiance.
My cat is cute.
Earth day annoys me.
I don't see why people only pay attention to the Earth one day a year. They should do it all the time.
Being Earth-friendly saves a lot of money. I like saving money. I like the Earth. It's a win-win.
I learned how to drive a 5 speed.
My fiance is so proud of me.
I am too.
I will beat this semester.
I am determinted.
Ish.

Surprise honey, I'm gay!

No, not me. It's someone else.

Today I learned that Makeup Girl's boyfriend is gay. She doesn't know this.

Apparently they haven't slept together in over a year, and I always thought that was odd because they are quite the hot young couple. I mean, she is an attractive girl (minus all the ridiculous makeup), and he is a handsome baseball star at our school. I remember her talking about how she had to beg him to sleep with her whenever they actually did.

It was always a funny situation, but I didn't think anything of it until I heard something today.

One of my good friends found out that Makeup Girl's boyfriend has been getting sexed by a dance major dude.

Sorry, Makeup Girl. Will you get over yourself now?

(PS. I kinda sorta feel a little bad for her, because she is totally head over heels for this guy even though he's SO not into her, obviously, but karma sucks you know...)

Whale concert

Whale concert.

That was the subject of an e-mail I just recieving in my school e-mail inbox.

"Whale concert. Tickets on sale now!"

I am so confused.

The perfect day

Yesterday 1900: Arrive home after going, going, going since 0730 with a headache after almost having a panic attack during an exam.

2130: Convince myself to go to bed after popping 3 Advil, a Percocet, and an ice pack for the knife stabbing in my head.

Today: 0530: Wake up with the same headache. And my period. Shove Advil in my mouth and grab a granola bar. And 3 pieces of chocolate.

0600: Drive to clinical. Realize I forgot my coffee cup on top of my car. Remembered my happy pill, however.

0630: Arrive at clinical wearing mismatched socks and underwear inside out.

0645: Arrive on orthopaedic floor. Realize that I forgot my stethoscope in my car.

0700: Take my patient's pulse. Realize that my watch battery died.

0830: Have a wonderful conversation with my patient about the unemployment extension.

0900: Assisted my patient with a sponge bath.

0915: Squat on the floor to help my patient put her Ted hose back on. Split the crotch in my scrub pants.

1100: Forget to write my nursing note on my patients. Proceed to get fussed at by my professor.

1101: Write nursing notes.

1230: Realize I forgot my lunch.

1231: Drive to Subway.

1232: Attempt to listen to "Rest and Relaxation" CD in the car on the way home.

1235: Get cut off by a fellow driver.

1400: Crawl in bed for a few hours before work.

1600: Wake up in a cold sweat while my head pounds. Think about calling into work and/or beating my head against a wall.

1605: Pop 3 more Advil. Eat more chocolate. Coax myself back to sleep.

1800: Attempt to get out of bed and ready for work.

1801: Reset alarm.

1825: Get ready for work.

1845: Drive to work.

2100: See one of my professors working night shift. Beg her for some Ibuprofen. She gives me 4. Gosh I love her.

It's currently 9:48 pm. I am on my break at work.

Only 5 hours and 12 minutes to go.

**************************

So, my day seems pretty sucktacular, but, it actually turned out to be wonderful.

The ex-boyfriend who works at Walmart? I saw him on my way to work driving a red station-wagon. Totally makes up for it.

Oh, and this super sweet text from my fiance:

"Baby, please don't fall asleep tonight at work and if you need me, call me. Thank you for working the suck stift [night shift] to get us more money."

I really do love my life.

Oh, the possibilities

I was talking to my neurologist the other day, and he was telling me that his wife was a lay midwife (a midwife with no license). He suggested that I get in touch with her and maybe I can spend a week during the summer shadowing, which I would totally love because  I didn't have the best experience last summer. I fell in love with the profession, not the lady I was shadowing.

So excited about the possibilities.

Wordless Wednesday

I had a bad day today. So did my mom.

We sulked on the phone together.

She ate 5 chocolate chip cookies on the way home, and then a cupcake while she took a bath.

I think I need something a bit stronger. Like... Reester bunnies and beer.

Creating my own reality

This is post is going to be part of the "healing process" for me to come to terms with the unethical death of my patient. The professor I confided in said it would be good for me to journal/blog what I would have done if I were the nurse, kind of as a way to create my own reality so that I use this experience to mold myself into the kind of nurse I want to be.

What really happened:

The professor I was working with was in charge of 2 patients; the one was discharged and my patient was rather extensive. Granted, he was critically ill. There's no doubt about that; it was the way that my professor handled it.

She has a negative attitude and thinks almost everyone that is really ill is bound to die in the hospital. It's as if she has no belief in positive outcomes whatsoever. Her bedside manner is atrocious. I spent some of the morning assessing my patient. His skin was mottled from poor circulation and his lungs were full of blood; his blood pressure was fluctuaing a lot. He was sick, very sick. All my professor did was stand by his bedside and chart, all the while saying, "He's just going to die. He probably won't even make it through the weekend." She would walk out of the room talking to whoever would listen, "His wife really needs to get over it. He's not going to get better. He needs to be a DNR (do not recusitate)". If you know anything about the dying process, then you'll know that a person's hearing is the last sense they lose. That's why people talk to their dying loved one; because they can hear you. My patient could hear my professor saying he was going to die. This is aweful nursing care. I felt tears sting the back of my eyes every time she said that at his bedside. I wanted so badly to yell at her to stop it, but she isn't the kind of person you can stand up to.

Later, my professor made an inappropriate phone call to the patient's wife, "Ma'am you know your husband is really sick. If he codes, I am going to have to do things to his chest to bring him back, and there's no guarantee that will happen. Is that really what you want to happen to him?" She said this in a very condoning and accusatory tone. The wife never gave her a straight answer, because she didn't want to change his code status. After she got off the phone, my professor danced around the unit, "I planted a seed to his wife. I'm going to talk to the doctor later and see if we can get the ball rolling."

His wife was not ready to let him go. They just bought their dream house together in a different state and were moving soon. They had been married for 45 years. They were still young. There was still hope for him.

The doctor arrived later in the morning. My professor cornered him, literally. She told him that he needed to make the wife change the code status to a DNR (the doctor cannot legally do that), and the patient needed to be taken off the ventilator. I don't know why. It was like she couldn't have him dead soon enough. My mind was spinning all the while this was happening. I was in such shock, I couldn't even advocate for the patient. I'm just a student anyway.

The doctor said he wanted to keep trying, so to keep pushing the vasopressins and fluids and keep his blood pressure stable. My professor got mad. She said to the doctor and her fellow staff, "If he codes, I will work on him, but very slowly. I will make sure he doesn't come back".

I need a break. More to blog later.

Covering my bum

I didn't want this to be public anymore because I wanted to know exactly who is reading it. In the following words, I am going to share some things that happened during my patient's death experience from a few weeks ago. This is part of a theraputic project assigned to me by a professor that was kind enough to take some time for me to talk to her.

I don't share as much of nursing school and my life as I should. Writing helps me come to conclusions better than anything else. Maybe blogging more about my experience with my patient would have helped more, but I can't do anything about that now other than to move forward.

Let's just say I've been torn up about what I experienced a few weeks ago when my patient died. I contacted my favorite professor because I really needed a listening ear and someone to trust with the powerful information I held. These aren't the type of things I can discuss with other people in my life; I needed someone to confide in that understood.

The professor I was working with that Saturday killed my patient.

There. I said it. She took advantage of my patient's vulnerable wife, the attending physician, and facilitated his death.

This is the reason why I keep my idenity protected. Even student nurses hold information and power that can be very dangerous to patients, their families, fellow collegues, and even themselves. This is one of those situations.

I almost had an anxiety attack earlier. I thought someone from school found my blog, because, well, their hometown popped up on my tracker. And the tracker on my photography website.

The good new is that I am an idiot.

I have a loaned laptop from the IT department while mine is being fixed from that dirty little virus. The city where the loaned laptop is registered isn't the city where I live or go to school; it's registered in an entirely different city and state, where a girl I go to school with lives.

My tracker was showing me viewing my own blog. Duh.

I had about a 15 minute freakout before I figured it out. This did get me to thinking though. My blog is public, though I never intended for people to read it but myself. I thought about making my blog completely private so that I could journal without having to worry about someone finding it, but somehow I have managed to gain a wonderful and loyal small group of bloggy friends, and it's not fair of me to leave them hanging when I am so close to finishing my nursing school journey. They have been on this journey with me for a while now, and if I made my blog completely private, I would miss them. Their comments and encouragement are the highlight of my day, and I appreciate every person that has taken the time to read my blog.

I have decided that a week from now my blog will be readable to invited readers only. Leave me a comment if you would like to be added to the "VIP list", and I would be happy to add you.

Dirty little virus

I knew it was time for the week to end when I was trying to finish my careplan on the dead guy and my laptop got a nasty virus that even my IT degreed fiance couldn't fix.

I took my laptop to the amazing IT department at school first thing Thursday morning (that's one of the few things my school has going for them...). I had turned my wireless off the night before to save battery since the virus wouldn't let me connect to the internet anyway. I walked into the IT office at school and said, "Err... I think my computer has a virus." The nerdy Asian dude grabbed my computer and started it up to look it at, which didn't take long since it was in hibernation mode. As soon as the computer screen popped up, I see a black screen with red and yellow big flashing letters saying, "FREE PORN!" Under the flashing letters is a red link that says, "Hot wet -----!." well, you can finish the rest of that line.

I was so embarassed. I have no clue how the virus managed to conjure up that website, especially when my wireless was turned off. My face turned 6 shades of red/pink/blue/purple as I pointed and gawked at the screen. Somehow I managed to stutter, "I didn't... I don't know how... I...!" The nerdy Asian dude just shook his head and laughed it off, "It happens all the time, actually".

Whew.

Dirty little virus.

Q&A of sorts

Dear bloggy friends,

I am have having trouble wrapping my head around some things from my patient's death. Maybe you guys have some insight into helping me see things a different way. A fresh perspective/insight may be helpful.

One of the things I that has been on my mind popped up when I heard the doctor say to my patient's wife, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's nothing left for us to do. He's going to die". My problem with this is how we as healthcare workers determine the line of when to stop lifesaving treatments. When the patient doesn't improve quickly enough? When their insurance stops covering treatment? When the unit gets over-crowded, When the patient's "quality of life" isn't going to be the same as before, even if they do live? What makes us think we can determine someone's fate? Who are we to be the dictator of someone's lifespan? I am not the Creator God, nor do I want to be. I shouldn't choose when a patient lives or dies, and I shouldn't listen to other people's orders of when a patient lives or dies, right?

This weekend, there was a point when the doctor ordered more vasopressins to increase my patient's blood pressure, and as soon as I went to give it, he stopped me and said, "No more. We are not doing anything else for him". After he said that, he walked to the patient's wife and said that she would lose her husband today.

I have witnessed miracles, and seen people walk out of near-death situations unscathed; maybe this is the reason why I struggle with other people, such as doctors and nurses, calling the shots on someone's life. If we listened to doctor's all the time, many "miracles" would be dead right now. Heck, if we listened to my grandmother's doctors and nurses, she would be dead right now. I guess I just think that every has their chance of a miracle if they hold out long enough.

I guess I just want to know what my role in this is. What does God expect from me as a nurse when it comes to healing? How do I know when to listen to the doctor and stop treatment? How will I know what to do, and if it is the right thing to do? Who am I to determine someone's lifespan? At what point do you determine that someone's life is no longer worth saving?

Death

This weekend I lost my first patient. He passed away near the end of my clinical shift. I spent the morning caring for him, and trying to do my best to keep him comfortable and stable, but he didn't make it. He died of a sepsis from a catheter infection.

I have only ever seen a person die once; my fiance's grandmother. I was hesitant to blog about this experience yet because I haven't had time to sort through my thoughts, but it is something that I want to remember, so blogging about it is a must.

Around noon, my patient's condition was becoming very unstable. He was in multiple organ failure, and the physician decided there was no medical treatment available to help him. Keeping him on the ventilator and pumping him full of medications was just prolonging the inevitable. The nurse in charge called his wife, and she came quickly. She made the decision to change him from a full code to a DNR (do not recusitate). His blood pressure fell quickly when his wife arrived. We were getting ready to administer a vasopressin (a medicaiton to increase the blood pressure) when the wife changed his code status, so we let him go. He passed away peacefully holding his wife's hand. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen.

I had to step out of the room and shed a few tires as he passed away. I couldn't bear to hear the wife whispering to him about the house they just bought in Florida, and the 45 years they spent together. It broke my heart into 10,000 pieces knowing that she walked into the hospital as a married woman of 45 years, and walked out a widow. I cannot imagine her grief. She plans to scatter his ashes on the beach in Florida. I hugged her as she left the hospital; she didn't want to let go of me, and I didn't make her. I just let her cry, and cry, because I know that's what she needed. None of the other nurses hugged her, and it made me very sad that they have become so hardened to death.

Seeing someone die is one of the strangest, creepiest, most peaceful and beautiful things in the world. One moment a person is breathing and living, their soul one with their body, and the next they are flat-lining and dead, their soul moving on to another place. His death was peaceful. His eyes never opened, which I thought was weird. He looked at peace, which was relieving for me.

The patient tech on shift showed us how to do after-death care, which wasn't as creepy as I imagined it to be. I removed an arterial line and stitches for the first time on my newly-deceased patient. That was kind of fun (removing the line and stitches, not the dead patient part).

All in all, I am thankful for the experience. Few student nurses get to experience this during nursing school. I was lucky enough to share it was with my best nursing school friend. We cried together, shrouded and bathed my patient together, and walked to the morgue together. We were so thankful to have each other's support during the experience.

I have never been so honored to take part in someone's care. I am working on not looking at death as the enemy in healthcare. As a nurse, I want to save my patients from death- isn't that the point? Actually, no. There comes a point in some patient's lives when death is imminent, and my job is to keep them comfortable and help their transition to the next life to be as painless as possible, so that when death comes, it is peaceful. During the dying process, a person is at their most vulnerable state, and it is such an honor to help someone through that stage in their life, as they literally put their life in their hands. I love my profession, and I am thankful for being able to care for my patient as he passed on yesterday. Without saying a word, he taught me so much.

21st birthday

Happy belated birthday to me. It wasn't a big deal, really. I kept forgetting it was my birthday.

I took the day off work and school. I felt that I deserved it.

My parents got me a sweet new camera, with which I took the following photos, since my mom fell in a sinkhole at the beach and got sand in my other one.

Hello, Mr. Moon.

Wait for the one that you can't live without.

Sunset outside of Olive Garden.

My 1st legal "big girl drink" (as my fiance calls it). Happy birthday mudslide (yum).

It was a relaxing birthday. Here's to many more.

I am going to miss my neurology patients. My heart is in midwifery and neurology; orthopaedics is stinky.

Stream of consciousness

I secretly love embarassing my Korean sister. She is super conservative and modest; she shares nothing private. I am pretty much the opposite, around my house anyway. Sometimes I like to do things just to get her reaction. I think sleeping nude, or at least partially is comfortable. She sleeps in 10 billion layers. She changes clothes with the bedroom door locked, even though no one will come in. I rip 'em off and run around like a banchee (which is why I've flashed my 60 year old neighbor one too many times). She refuses to ask us to buy her pads or tampons, so her mom sends them from Korean. Whole boxes of them. She has a drawer in our bedroom dedicated to them, but she keeps it tucked under a thin layer of clothes. I openly wash my cloth pads and store used ones in a bucket under my bed. Opposites. Yet so much alike, in ways only we know.
I walked through my new clinical site hallway. All I smelled was poop. I didn't know orthopaedics would be so stinky. My patient was the source of the stench. If he smells like that tomorrow I am going to shove a plug in his butt get some of that awesome deoderizer from the Pyxis. Should be interesting tomorrow. I have 2 patients with total hip replacements, just on opposite sides. My other patient was making strange noises when I left. Strange noises freak me out.
My Marine cousin is home. He is proposing to his girlfriend in 8 days. She has no idea, and I'm so happy for them.
I am working midnight shift tomorrow (blegh), and after clinical I was supposed to sleep, but my preggy cousin is supposed to find out her little home-wreckin' peanut's gender and asked me to secretly deliver flowers to her mom in either pink or blue, depending on the gender. I am hoping to do some maternity pictures within the next few weeks/months. Probably in May. If I get a new camera for my birthday, I will try to post some photos.
Yesterday I got a flat tire.
 Today I spent my tex check replacing my tires.
The best part of yesterday was the amazing photo my fiance texted me of the keys to our cabin. It's ours; all ours. We picked out paint colors and are going to paint as soon as we get a day off together. After he picked me up off the side of the road with my flat tire, he drove me out in the middle of nowhere to our pretty little house, and we dreamed. We dreamed about putting the lemon and limes wall vinyl in the kitchen, and painting the living room blue. We dreamed of me taking a bubble bath and him sitting on the side of the tub talking to me. We dreamed of building our bed from Ikea and seeing the lamps on the nightstands. I won't tell you what else we dreamed about.

I change my blog layouts like I wash my school uniform... almost weekly! However, I wanted something to reflect my current state of mind: positive, cheerful, and wanted to keep it that way, which meant I really wanted to love the way my blog looked. I think I like it, and I should after changing it about 20 times tonight.

Don't be surprised if it changes again, though.

Spring break

Things I learned on my spring break...

...That my tuition assistance from my job that I recieve for school is being cut becuase I am not a full-time employee. That's around $7000
...How to cook salmon
...How to overcook salmon
...That my fiance loves our cat more than me
...That my dad doesn't give a hoot about my well-being. I'm okay with that
...That Ireally miss seeing my fiance, and it's going to be great when we get to wake up to each other every day
...That bad things happen when I forget to take my happy pill
...That my fiance thinks I'm some super-fit chick who can hike up a moutain, go for a 6 mile bike ride, and do the deed in one afternoon
...That I am getting married in less than 7 months (!)
...That there is such thing as too many BJs
...That I have a super weak bladder (thanks babe, for making me laugh so hard I peed myself in bed, again)
...That I really missed my best friend
...That seeing your fiance's boss after you did IT in their house is really awkward
...That my fiance has a fear of hand-washing dishes
...That my schedule for next semester is going to be really great, I think. I am taking pediatrics and OB (!),a among some other nursing school BS classes

...That you should always check how much fiber is in something before you eat it. I ate a bowl of Bran Buds for dinner and other bowl for breakfast. The following 4 days were misery. 13 grams of fiber in 1/3 cup, baby!

...That you can actually find a dress for $99 at  David's Bridal on their "$99 sale". I got this for the Trash the Dress pictures we are doing the day before our wedding. It's much prettier in person

...That my baby brother isn't a virgin

...That you're automatically accused of clogging the toilet when it starts flooding the floor, even if you were just taking an innocent pee

...That seeing co-workers at the gym is pretty awkward

The winner's continued

The next winner I dated broke up with me when I tried to hold his hand. We dated for a whole 2 weeks or less. A few years later he asked me to a formal dance in highschool. After I said yes, he told me he was gay (explains why he didn't want to hold my hand!). We went together anyway and had a great time. He later turned into a gaytastic man-slut, but I loved him anyway. Senior year in highschool, he was killed in drunk driving accident. He was the drunk driver.

I think the next winner may be the best yet. He stole my first kiss at the trashy movie theater in town. He literally stole it, cause I never showed any interest in kissing him, but he stuck his face on mine anyway when I wasn't paying attention. He charmed me into liking him; yeah, one of those. He bought me a used Train CD for my birthday. A month later he broke up with me over instant messenger because I wouldn't have sex with him. I later found out he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. She was dumpy and fat and she screwed him often. Who wouldn't want that?

I saw him a few months ago working at Blockbuster. He was getting ready to take a smoke break. He never smoked in highschool. He told me that he got kicked out of the Army, but never said why. I didn't ask; I didn't want to know. He said he was living with his parents and really liked working at Blockbuster. After I left the movie store, I cried. I cried because I was sad for how he wasted his life. He was a brilliant dude, not always in the best ways, but brilliant nonetheless. In highschool he used to hack computers, but he could have used his brilliancy to his advantage and make a sucessful career from it. We took highschool biology together, and I studied and got a C+. He drew pictures and made paper airplanes and got an A. He was that kind of smart. And he wasted it. My fiance and I were in the mall the other day making a payment on my wedding band at Zales and we saw him. He opened up one of those cheesy little kiosks that pretends to sell something fantastic. Smokeless cigars. Yep, that is what he invested his life savings into. And he hasn't made a profit from it. Smart one.

The next winner earned the nickname "Urinal" from my brother. He was Russian, and my brother couldn't ever remember his name; Urinal was pretty close. We talked for about 2 years. Unlike any of my previor boyfriends, I thought I loved him (before I knew what love was). He was mysterious and kept me awake long into the night talking on the phone and pondering life and humanity (oh, please). He was super quiet, and everyone in our highschool thought he was weird except the creepy vegan goths that played DS in the library in the mornings. I later found out that he had schizophrenia and anti-social personality disorder. He thought he held the key to destroying and manipulating all of humanity. For real. He never did tell me what the "key" was though. Sometimes I wish I knew so that I could... ahem, do it myself! I obsessed over this dude for about 2 years. I think it was his charming mysteriousness or maybe his pale skin and dark hazel eyes, or maybe the long curly hair. Who knows. He started going to college and double majoring in psychology and biochemistry. I texted him on his birthday a few years ago and recieved a phonecall from his psycho, obsessive, and controlling girlfriend/wife saying that I was a "slutty bitch whore", and that I should never talk to her "fiance" again. We never talked again. He cut all of his hair off and is now midly unattractive (I thought men got better with age?), is unhappily married to the psycho girlfriend, and works at... wait for it, wait for it... Walmart! He greeted my dad the other day, "Welcome to Walmart!" Now that's a winner!

The final winner I dated went to my highschool but we didn't meet there. We met online through a friend and e-mailed each other a whole year before we met in person. He was quiet, creepy, and made me feell good about myself. He had long hair, poor taste in music, and wore those aweful T-shirts with sayings like, "Come to the dark side. We have cookies". All the while we dated, he was secretly in love with a homely girl in his band class. He played the trumpet. A few months after we broke up, I recieved a strange e-mail from a girl asking me if I wanted to do bondage photos. She said someone she knew referred me and thought I might me interested. Apparently my ex was addicted to bondage and thought I might be a good candidate. We never talk anymore, but a few weeks ago, he confessed his love to my best friend. Wowza.

The whole point of this wasn't to bash my ex-boyfriends. We all have quirks and faults. I just wanted to see the path I chose compared to the lives I could have had. Instead of staying with any of those guys, I chose to go to college and throw myself into my future career. Where I live, a lot of kids don't go to college. My brother didn't go to college, and that's okay. You don't have to go to college to be sucessful. You just have to give life all you've got. None of those guys did. I am way better off without any of them. The man I am engaged to is ten thousand steps above all of those guys, and dating them made me realize just how lucky I am. My fiance was the first person in his family to graduate from college (as I will be). He has health insurance, a full time job, and soon we'll have a house, which is way more than any of my ex's have. He takes care of me, listens to me, and makes me laugh. We have a great time together. And he's put up with me all through nursing school (bless his heart!). He's a keeper. And I am so darn lucky.

The winners I've dated

I saw one of my ex-boyfriends the other day, and seeing him got me to thinking, "Man, I've dated some real winners"... Please notice the sarcasm attached.

My first boyfriend was a very sweet guy. We were friends for a long time before he asked me out; he broke up with me a month later on instant messager on a snow day. We continued to be friends throughout highschool, and eventually stopped talking after college except when we run into each other on occassion. He dated a friend of mine a few years later, and come to find out, he never kissed her either. In fact, he still has never kissed a girl to my knowledge. Certain quirks about him make me wonder... maybe he is gay? Like his obsession with his teeth, clothes, and hair. He's a very attractive guy, but he rarely dates women. It makes no sense. I heard a few months ago that he got drunk and jumped off a building and broke something. Real winner, huh?

More winners coming up later. By the way, my fiance is a true blue winner, for real. He's super amazing, and after dating the losers I've dated, I appreciate him even more.

I just realized that I have taken 35 classes in college already.

I only got a C in 3 of them. The rest have been A's and B's.

Spring break next week! Finally. I thought this semester would never progress.

It just so happens that my wonderful fiance is house sitting for his boss for the next week and a half, so next week when I am on break we have a nice, big house all to ourselves to hang out and regroup together. I am very much looking forward to some much needed rest. Maybe I'll even get to sleep in.

Let's get drunk and be somebody

Here's a sure as fire way to piss off your student nurse:

Drive a vehicle while under the influence of not 1, but 3 brain-altering substances: barbituates, benzodiazepines, and marijuana, with other passengers in the car. Hit a snowbank, and knock yourself unconscious. (At least you wore your seltbelt?) Then, complain to your family member on the phone that you don't understand why the doctor is making you stay in the hospital because there's nothing wrong with you.

Seriously, people?

Riding the nutcase rollercoaster

I have been riding the nutcase rollercoaster for a few weeks. I noticed a few weeks ago that I was starting to feel a little "off", though I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe it was just stress from wedding planning, which isn't all that stressful anymore, or maybe the semester getting to me.

Then something weird happened to me at work. Come to find out, it was a severe panic attack. Last week my mental stability went way downhill. Wednesday night I had a panic attack. On Thursday I cried to my mom for an hour and a half about how I wanted nothing more than to cut my wrists to release all the anxiety and tension I felt inside. I made an appointment with my doctor first thing on Friday so that I didn't end up doing something rash.

As soon as I told my doctor what had been going on, he looked and me and smiled and say, "You need more vitamin L!" (L as in Lexapro-my antidepressant).

He ended up doubling my dose to get me through the semester, and gave me a prescription for a benzodiazepine in case I feel a severe panic attack coming on.

I am glad to say that I am feeling much, much better already. The medication boost was just what my screwed up brain needed

Hello, world. It's nice to see you again.

Say what?

Quote of the day:

(while in Medsurg lecture)

Professor: "Another word for chewing is mastication, which has nothing to do with... well, you know."

Awkward.

Danish dude

So of course after I decide to go dormant, something funny happens at clinical.

Today one of my fellow nursing student friends had a teenage patient that fell off a building. He had a partial lobotomy, and between that and the 40 foot fall, he is left for lack of a better term, mentally retarded. Miraculously, he can walk and talk, just very, very, very slowly. He's such a sweet dude.

Because we are on the neurology floor, it is imperative that we assess our patient's mental status, including their memory. Usually at the beginning of our shift, we tell the patient our name and ask them to remember it cause we will ask them later. My friend asked her patient if he could remember her name, and he says, "A very lovely lady". (now you have to say it in your head very, very slowly for it to be as funny.)

Later she said to her patient, "Let's get cleaned up a little bit. Is that okay with you?" He looks at her and says very seriously, "Will you share a danish with me?"

Gangsta

Just because your patient is black and wearing his hat sideways doesn't mean your 60 year old professor should say to him, "What up, brotha? Bye, homie!"

Awkward.

Dormant

Text message I just sent my fiance: "You are my rock. You make me feel strong when I'm  not."

Bloggy friends... I am going idle.

This semester is taking it's toll on me. I feel down, I have had 2 panic attacks this month, one that was very severe. The last one was last night, and thankfully I was safe and sound in my fiance's arms. I need the rest of the semester to focus only on making it until May; then I will hopefully be more stable. This semester is so hard that I think it might break me. I hate every class, and almost every professor. I dread school anymore, and its making me sick and sad.

I'm not saying that I won't write, because I am certain there will be some stories I want to write down for me to remember and read later. I am just trying to take some pressure off myself by going dormant. Almost every day I open a blank post, only to get frustrated and close out of it.

If you don't mind, say a little tiny prayer for me. I greatly appreciate it.

It's only 2 pm and my day has already been eventful. Today I learned...

...that seeing your fiance's boss while working out at the gym is awkward.
...that butt sweat is really, really, really gross.
...that seeing someone's butt sweat through their clothes is even grosser.
...that some lady lived with gorillas and made a study out of it.
...that I am marrying into a family of crazies.
...that my car is literally falling apart. The rearview mirror fell off last week, and today the fabric panel on the side fell off. What the freak?
...that people look at your funny if your socks don't match.
...that forgetting to take your happy pill is not a good thing.
...that the lady who lived with gorillas has nothing to do with my Theory, Reason and Research in Nursing class.
...that my cat likes chocolate pudding.
...that 3 hour classes make me go braindead.
...that I am pretty sure Military Mary is indeed, trying to ruin my life.

My theory professor is a loon.

Every class she comes in wearing a big huge rainbow button pinned to her shirt that says, "EVIDENCE IMPROVES OUTCOMES!!!"

She also excitedly screams, "Show me the data!" atleast once each class.

Today she talked about some lady who lives with gorillas and did a study about them. What does that have to do with nursing?

Will this semester ever be over?

So what.

So what...

if I stay up late and oversleep
if I wear my pajamas for 2 days straight
if I take an antidepressant
if my best friend is bisexual, my aunt is a lesbian, and my cousin is gay
if I want to make my own washclothes from old clothes
if I have a love/hate relationshup with nursing school
if I lose my keys all the time
if I don't think gay people should burn in hell like other "Christians"
if I'm frugal
if I forget to charge my cell phone battery
if I forget my penlight for clinical
if I sometimes can't stand my friends
if I accidently wash an inkpen with my clothes
if I've never been "Daddy's little girl"
if I don't believe everything everyone else does
if I want to get married at 21
if I wear white or orange and it's "not my color"
if I use cloth pads instead of disposables
if my fiance's family is a lot little big crazy
if I wish my parents would just get a divorce already
if my sisters aren't my biological sisters
if I'm not racist
if I hate the dentist

I thought that what mattered in life is that at the end of the day, you are a good person; not dumb little things.

Baking day

So I made chocolate covered oreos. The lollipop thing kind of went okay. I think I like them better without the stick; maybe its just because I had a difficult time finding a stick to work. Anyways, they turned out pretty cute.

All you do is melt some chocolate with a little bit of Crisco and dip the oreos in. Tap off excess chocolate, and place the dipped oreo on wax paper to harden. If you want you can put them in the refridgerator to harden faster. Decorate them while they are still wet. I wrapped mine in mini cellophane bags and tied a little ribbon around them after.

Excuse my crappy pictures. My mom dropped my nice camera in the sand I cannot use a point and shoot camera to save my soul.

I also made spiced nuts. I didn't take pictures of them because nuts are pretty boring to look at, but the recipie is super quick and easy, and they are AMAZING. I got the recipie from here. My fiance loves nuts to I decided to make him homemade spiced nuts, and I am really happy and excited to see if he likes them, which he should cause I love them. The recipie is:

3 C whole almonds or pecans

1 C sugar
1 egg white
1/2 tsp salt
1 Tbsp water
2 tsp cinnamon
Preheat oven to 250 degrees. Lightly grease a a cookie sheet or jellyroll pan. Lightly beat egg white; add water and beat until frothy, but not stiff. Add nuts and stir until well coated. Mix sugar, salt and cinnamon together and sprinkle over nuts and toss to coat. Spread nuts on pan and bake for 1 hour stirring occasionally (I stirred them every 15 minutes. It works great if you set your oven timer every 15 minutes.)

Love it

Valentine's Day

I am one of those freaks who really get into Valentine's Day. To me, it's not just about showing love to your signifigant other, but everyone. I have always loved Valentine's Day, even when I was single. One year, I even bought myself flowers, just because I really wanted some.

This year I am making these for my fiance and the other people I love:

Chocolate dipped oreos!

If they turn out well, I'll upload pictures.

I want...

...an heirloom locket for Christmas
...someone to write my theory paper for me
...to go to Ikea
...to lose 30 lbs before the wedding
...for the snow to disappear
...to feel like myself

I

i am: tired of snow and not looking forward to work tomorrow.


i think: about things that don't matter.

i know: that all things work for good.

i want: Medsurg 3 to be over.

i have: cellulitis in my boob. Thanks nipple pincher fiance of mine.

i wish: that it was October.

i hate: discrimation.

i miss: my mom.

i fear: ...

i feel:
i hear: my dad snoring.

i smell: the winter air.

i crave: a hug from my fiance.

i search: for my keys. Every morning.

i wonder: if I will survive this semester.

i regret: few things, they have all shaped me.

i ache: to have a home.

i care: for people.

i always: lose my keys. And everything else.

i am not: going to let Military Mary get under my skin... too much anyway.

i believe: in God.

i dance: with my sister.

i cry: when I forget to take my happy pill.

i don’t: want to go to work tomorrow.

i fight: to be sucessful.

i write: less and less all the time.

i never: thought I would give up my dreams; I still haven't.

i stole: my fiance's heart :)

i listen: to God's voice.

i need: motivation to make it through til May.

i am happy about: knowing that all difficult things come to an end.

Freewrite

My grandma used to make snow icecream with the 2nd snow (never the 1st), so tonight I made some. She used to make hers with  milk and chocolate syrup. Mine included powdered sugar, milk, cocoa, and peanut butter, and of course, snow. It was amazing. My mom called me by my fiance's last night today. It made me smile; my first name rhymes with my soon-to-be last name. My best friend makes fun of me. I love it. Sometimes I dream of dropping out of nursing school. I've almost made it though. Less than a year and a half. It's like survival of the fittest. Out of 40 something that got in freshman year, there are 7 of us left. I've worked my ass off. I am tired of working my ass off. I think my medication needs to be increased. I think the game Dutch Blitz is so fun. We've been playing it for years, and my brother's girlfriend is addicted. She's so darling. I just love her. My friend's are pissed because I chose her to be in my wedding instead of them. I secretly love her way more than them. I'd never tell them that. Blog-stalking craft blogs is so fun. I want to be a crafty-mama one day. I repurposed a shirt today. Too bad my brother's girlfriend already claimed it. She just looked too cute in it. This time last year my momma and I were quilting every weekend. The only one that got finished was the one she didn't help me with. I gave it to my other sister for her birthday. She never uses it. During this snowstorm, I've been dreaming of getting snowed in with my fiance at our cabin. It would be so fun. We would get out his aunt's tractor and plow the snow. I'd go in and make homemade soup and hot cocoa, and we would cuddle up together and enjoy the day together.

The end.

Complaining, as usual

There is currently 3 feet of snow outside. I am snowed in with my parents who want a divorce, my cranky 19 year old brother that doesn't take off his wet boots when he comes inside, and the nephewpup who ate my toasted coconut for the cookies I was going to make today. My fiance is snowed in... 6 miles away. There's only decaf coffee here. And, i think I have cellulitis in my boob.

Don't you wish you were me?

More el lame-o reasons for not blogging:

-I can't think of anything to say
-I had to take an exam on this fine snow day
-My parents want a divorce
-I can't find my favorite pajamas

-I am snowed in at my parent's

-Sewing

-Baking

-No homework to complain about

-The dog tried to eat my wedding garter. Managed to eat my mom's ice cream, tampons, a football, my hand, my sister's Nerds, my ice cream, and a pillow. Today.

-Danny Gokey. Or whatever his name is.

El lamo

My lame excuses for not blogging:

-Military Mary
-Snow
-Wedding planning
-My nipple is bleeding, thanks to my fiance
-My car is out of gas
-I have an exam today
-The dog ate my homework... and my mom's shoes, and the toilet paper, and my grandmother's homemade bread, and a football, my bra, my coffee cup holder thing. Oh, and more of the couch.

Woody care

Tamra, at Surprisingly Sane has been talking about penises. So, naturally I've been thinking about... well, penises, and it made me decide to share a story.

When I was 15, I did a CNA program through my highschool. I started working at my local hospital as a CNA on the cancer unit. Some of the nurses on the unit used to call it "Heaven's Waiting Room" because most of the patients were there to die.

Anyway, this one middle-aged male was dying from some sort of cancer (that's irrelevant anyway). I was doing my bathing rounds, and I got to his room, got my supplies, and started a bed bath for him. He was barely conscious when I went in the room. I cleaned him up, all except for his catheter, and as I start to clean his catheter, he roused from the land of unconsciousness, and says to me, "You're real good at that!" Now me being, well, me, turned six shades of red, not that he could really tell anyway, cause he was dying, or supposed to be. The nurse in the room that was giving him his medications started laughing. I quickly finished cleaning his catheter, as he began telling the nurse about how I had "the perfect touch". I had the perfect touch alright; my "perfect touch" gave this strange man a woody!

I was took the brunt of the jokes that week. The nurses would tease me about doing, "woody care" on my patients instead of "catheter care".

As if this wasn't embarassing enough with me being 15, giving my patient a woody, etc, I saw the patient the next week leaving the hospital. Before I realized what tumbled out of my mouth, I said, "I thought you were supposed to be dead!" He just smiled. The nurses say I "healed" him.

I think he's still alive today.

My love/hate relationship

I have a love/hate relationship with life right now.

Love: Getting married
Hate: Wedding planning

Love: Nursing school
Hate: Studying

Love: Helpful & assertive professors
Hate: Military Mary

Love: Sleeping in
Hate: Waking up 5 minutes before class starts

Love: Wearing contacts
Hate: Nephewpup ate my glasses

Love: The hospital
Hate: Being a patient

Love: Technology
Hate: The red patches my heart monitor leaves on me. It seriously looks like an octopus has been making out with my ribcage and/or upper boob

Love: Patients
Hate: Poop & IVs

I. Don't. Like. Military. Mary.

Wedding garter

I couldn't sleep...

So I bought this! I love it. I think my fiance will too :)

You know you're a (student) nurse when...

1) the front of your scrubs reads ‘Nurses… here to save your ass, not kiss it!’

2) you occasionally park in the space with the ‘physicians only’ sign… and knock it over.
3) you believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4) you recognize that you can’t cure stupid.
5) you own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.
6) you believe there’s a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.
7) you believe that saying ‘it can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
8 ) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.
9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work in your pajamas is a cool one.
10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
12) you’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
13) you’ve ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say ‘I’m afraid of shots.’
14) you’ve placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
15) you’ve told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.
16) your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago’s water tank.
17) you have seen more private parts than any prostitute could dream of.
19) you believe that not all patients are annoying… some are unconscious.
19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.
20) you don’t get excited about blood, unless it’s your own.
21) you’ve sworn to have ‘do not resuscitate’ tattooed on your chest. Soon.
22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you
23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.
25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
26) you believe that ’shallow gene pool’ should be a recognized diagnosis.
27) you believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.
28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase ‘Wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?
29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled ‘Suicide: getting it right the first time.’
30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say ‘I have no idea how that got stuck in there.’
31) you’ve had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

Italicized ones are my favorite. I found these online. Enjoy!

Too many chiefs, not enough indians?

What is it about a wedding that makes people go crazy?

I just wanted a simple, stress fun event at which people can enjoy themselves. But, everyone, and i mean everyone, feels like they need to include themselves in wedding planning. And, since I can't say no, I feel like I am just getting run over by a cement truck.

Shoot me, already.

I need to grow some ballz.

Snow snow, go away

Are you missing any snow?... cause I'll gladly give it back to you!

Blogging my frustrations

I am doing my best to stay positive, but...

This semester really sucks. My classes are demanding, they are early in the morning (and by early, I mean my Friday class starts at 6:30 am), and my professors, for the most part, are unruly. 2 out of  the 4 have aweful, self-centered attitudes. I feel as if they don't care about what they teach, but just want to beat the respect out of students and prove something to us. It's really irritating, and I feel like in our 3 years of nursing school, we deserve to be treated as if we know a least a little bit.

I started working midnight shift at work on the weekends, and it's totally got my sleep/wake schedule all mixed up. I work midnights on Friday and Saturday, sleep on Sunday, and have to be at work at 6 am on Monday. It really sucks.

I think I am just a little crazy for trying to plan an out-of-state wedding in less than a year, while in nursing school. Enough said.

This past Monday, the strangest thing happened to me. I went to work at 6 am, was doing fine until later in the morning. All of a sudden I started feeling very hot, which is really strange for me because it's always cold at work and I am never hot. Then, I started sweating profusely and getting very irritated and anxious. I could feel my heart racing and I just didn't feel right in my head, if that makes any sense. I walked to my boss' office and told her I wasn't feeling right; she told me to sit down and tell her what was going on. I remember that my knees started to shake uncontrollably and I was kind of scared, but that's really all I remember until I was on my way to the emergency room. My boss told me and the medical staff later that my whole body had begun to convulse and I passed out. I got an EKG to rule out an arrhythmia, a chest x-ray to rule out a blood clot, an EEG to rule out a seizure, and a brain CT to rule out a seizure. I have to wear an atrial fibrillation monitor for a month to see if there is an arrythmia going on that wasn't caught on the EKG. My neurologist said it could have been a severe panic attack, a non-epileptic seizure from stress, or an arrythmia (irregular heart beat). Whatever it was, it was scary, and I never want to go through it again. I have a feeling it was probably a panic attack, although I wasn't feeling anxious or stressed about anything in particular the day I passed out. I have been feeling a little less "strong" lately, and have been thinking that maybe my medication needs to be increased. The dumb thing is that I just saw my MD for the wormzzz (which are finally gone, by the way. Uh, gross.) and he asked how to was doing on my SSRI and if I needed a dosage change. I told him I was fine. I am a stupid, stupid girl. I am just embarrassed to admit, even to my doctor, that I take an SSRI to decrease my anxiety. I know it's ridiculous and I should have been open about not feeling as stable lately. I irritate even my own self.

Wedding Menu

I am meeting with my amazing chef cousin this weekend to discuss our wedding menu. I know it's a little soon to be discussing things like food, but she lives 2 hours away from me and we are getting married a few hours away from where we live.

So my question to my bloggy friends... If you were attending an October beach wedding, what food would you like to have? My cousin has already made a preliminary menu for us to pick and choose from, but we need to narrow it down by tomorrow.

Appetizers/Hors d’ oeuvres


Fruit & cheese display

Vegetable platter

Shrimp Cocktail cups

Crab dip with bread/crackers

Soup

Clam Chowder

Shrimp Bisque

Salad

Garden Salad with dressing

Caesar Salad

Pasta Salad

Entrees

Grilled Caribbean style Chicken

Shrimp & Scallop Seafood Bake

Seafood “White” Lasagna

Blackened Chicken Pasta


So, your opinions please! I just want everyone to have a good, relaxing time and enjoy celebrating with us. Not to fancy, but not too un-fancy. Sweet and simple is my motto.

Neuro

I had my patient I talked about before; the young guy with cardiac arrest from drug overdose? We had a great day today. He is making a lot of progress, especially in his speech and memory. A friend came to visit today, and he was able to whisper the friend's name. After I came in today, he wrote me a note.

"What is going on with me? Am I sick or what?"

Then I had to explain to him about the drug overdose- and that his heart stopped, which caused no oxygen to his brain and damaged it, but he is getting better.

This is such a sad situation. It's unsure whether he OD'ed on purpose as  a suicide attempt, overdosed because he was so high he didn't know better, or whether someone slipped something into his drink while he was at a party. Never slip something into your friend's drink thinking it's funny; the next time you see them, they may be in ICU, in a nursing home, or dead.

It was unlike anything I've ever experienced, tube feeding, bathing, and changing the diaper of a person my age. People my age rarely get sick. It's one thing to be taking care of an elderly person or a child, but someone who could very well be a collegue of mine was just... weird. And sad. I know he was a completely different person a month ago, and now he has to have someone feed him and wipe his butt for him. It's a hard thing to swallow.

A girl in my clinical had a guy today that fell out of a bar because he was so drunk. He's now braindead.

I'm unsure whether or not I am going to like neurology. I love seeing the progress people make and how far they have come, but the stories are just so sad.

Why marijuana doesn't mix with benzos

I met my patient for this coming Friday's clinical last week.

He's my age, which really kind of hit home with me. I've never taken care of a person my age. We are only a few days apart.

In December, he was smoking marijuana and took some benzodiazapines and opiates all together. I can't remember what exactly, but the lethal combination put him in full cardiac arrest. His mom found him and he was taken immediately to the hospital. He was able to be revived, but the lack of oxygen to his brain during cardiac arrest left him with permenant brain injury. No one is certain whether or not he'll walk or talk again. He has made remarkable progress thus far, but he will never be the same young man he was before.

I think this semester is going to be interesting indeed.

I need a break.

Or maybe to run away?

Gotta love it

You know what's better than having wormzzzz?

Having wormzzzz, a yeast infection, and getting your period?

Oh, and tomorrow is Monday.

Wormzzz

I am nor sure if any of you have taken microbiology, but if you have, I'm sure you've heard of the worms. Pinworms, tapeworms, long worms, skinny worms, worms that live under your skin, worms that crawl out of you nose, worms that crawls out of you anus. Yeah, you get the picture.

When I learned of these wormzzz, I was officially a germophobe.

I had a colonoscopy last year, and the first question out of my mouth after it was over was, "Did you find any worms?" I was serious; the nurse just looked at me with a perturbed look on his face and said, "Um, no. Why? Were you worried or something?"

Tonight, I have discovered my worst fear.

I have pinworms. Ah, my life.

Mnemonics

Mnemonics are fun and can help you remember things; cranial nerve mnemonics are just plain hilarious.

-One Of Our Two Timing Adults Found Very Good Values At Home
-Oh Once One Takes The Anatomy Final Very Good Vacations Are Heavenly
-Oh, Oh, Oh, To Touch A Female Vagina Gives Virgins Amazing Happiness

These actually stand for:

I-Olfactory nerve
II-Optic nerve
III-Oculomotor nerve
IV-Trochlear nerve
V-Trigeminal nerve
VI-Abducens nerve
VII-Facial nerve
VIII-Vestibulocochlear nerve/Auditory nerve
IX-Glossopharyngeal nerve
X-Vagus nerve
XI-Accessory nerve/Spinal accessory nerve
XII-Hypoglossal nerve
 
(credits to Wikipedia, for once.)

My current distraction

After about 4 years of the same phone, I finally decided it was time to upgrade. That, and my phone is currently superglued together and it hasn't been working right for a few months.

I just got a Samsung Intensity.

I love this thing! It is so easy to use and it's pretty.

And it's also currently distracting me from studying.

The rant... as promised

When I signed up for this class, Christian Social Ethics, I thought it was going to be a dry lecture that you just memorize a code of ethics for Christians.

Nope.

Instead, I get a hypocritical, haughty supposedly ordianed minister who doesn't even believe the Bible is the Word of God.

Yesterday I was in class, and a student asked, "So, what is it that makes a person a Christian?" My professor's answer, "Hmmm, I say that whoever says that they are a Christian is."

Is that the same as saying that just because I say I am an astranaut, NASA will send me to the moon? Or, just because I say I am a neurosurgeon, I can perform brain surgery on someone? I didn't think so.

Admittedly, I am not a perfect person nor a perfect Christian. Sometimes a foul word or two will slip out, or I may be short with someone, but I try to set a good example for others, and as Christians (and especially as an "ordained minister"), shouldn't we be more worried about people's souls to atleast give a truthful and simple explaination? The student in my class was asking an honest question, and since my professor was already sharing what he personally believes, I think he should have gave him a more truthful answer. I would have been happier if my professor gave a thoughtful explanation even if I didn't agree with it, as long as he acted like he cared to answer the student's question.

Then, I got madder.

We moved to the topic of how Christians choose from what they derive their "code of ethics", and obviously the Bible was one. My professor talks and talks and then says this, "I believe that the Bible is just a defensive action for Christians to resist enlightenment and becoming more modern like other aspects of society". Whaaaaaaaaaat? I was about to get up and walk out of class because I was fuming after that statement, but my professor proceeded to make me so angry I literally couldn't get up.

He was still on the subject of the Bible but now he was talking about how it was written. Basically, he tried to force feed my class that the Bible is not the Word of God written by various people. It is just a cultural and historical document written by people who were indirectly inspired by God (but had no influence from God, if that makes many sense whatsoever?). Also, he told our class that the apostles Paul and John made up their books of the Bible. That's just great news for Christians all over, isn't it?

Not to mention every other word of his mouth was a curse word.

Don't get me wrong, I am not offended by cursing. My best friend curses like a sailor, and I love her to pieces. My father and brother curse like sailors, but none of them claim to be an ordianed minister!

I feel that my professor is a very poor representation of how Christians should present themselves. I completely disagree with how he is teaching this course. He is brainwashing Christians and non-Christians alike with his force-fed ideas of what he thinks Christians do and don't do. So... I am dropping that class like a hot potato and taking Philosophy 101.

I consider myself a non-denominational Christian. My faith is a very integral part of who I am, but it's not my place to force my values and beliefs on others. I completely understand if share a different view from what I have shared; just please be respectful if you choose to comment.